“Dear Mom and Dad, I’m not having kids.”

I live in a pro-birth family. Like many Boomers, my parents grew up with a lot of siblings. As a result, I grew up with a lot of cousins. There are seven of us in total (all of us now in or approaching our 30s). Of these seven, six of us are either childless or childfree.

This is becoming more common¹. Family trees that once had 5+ children every generation are suddenly seeing just a few new shoots. And for the older generation, that’s hard to understand. Grandparents, parents, aunts and uncles seem continually puzzled by the lack of baby-making from the younger generation.

Their response can be to pressure we young adults to have kids. And for the childfree, that can feel uncomfortable. This pressure is even greater when the so-called ‘responsibility’ of having children falls to just one person. At least in my case, I have five other cousins who are equally accountable for the lack of offspring. For childfree people from a small pro-birth family, all focus falls on them.

How to cope with being childfree in a pro-birth family

As I mentioned in How to Tell Your Parents You’re Childfree, it’s important to figure out why your pro-birth parents (or other relatives) want you to have children. Some of the common reasons I’ve found are:

• They have a vague feeling that being childfree is wrong.
• They think you aren’t having children because you don’t like your family.
• They’re afraid the family is going to be forgotten (think Disney-Pixar’s Coco).
• They want to see, hear, and play with babies.
• They believe it’s the only way you’ll be happy (and they really, truly want you to be happy).

Once you understand the reasons for their insistence, sadness, or confusion over your choice to be childfree, you can help them understand.

My advice for family gatherings isn’t to start a discussion about being childfree. That can get uncomfortable quickly, and it’s less likely to be effective than just slipping in some ideas here and there.

How to respond when they question you

When the dreaded topic of “When are you having kids,” or “Why don’t you have kids” does come up, remember that they’re not really asking that question. Your pro-birth family members are telling you that they’re uneasy with your childfree status.

Just remember, that’s okay. Yes, it’s kind of rude of them to ask, but while the question may be inappropriate, their feelings aren’t. It’s perfectly natural for them to wonder—and worry about—what’s going to happen to the family line.

Most of us grow up wanting to make our parents and relatives happy. When we get older, it can be tough to reconcile their wants with our individual autonomy. We want to please them, but we also know that it’s our choice to have or not have children. So what do you say?

Bearing in mind that they ask because they worry, not because they’re just rude for the sake of being rude, just smile and say, “Don’t worry, Aunt Judy, it’ll all be fine.” If they aren’t ready to hear more, there’s nothing else you can say.

And if they really want to know…

Sometimes relatives are genuinely interested in your reasons for not having kids. When that happens, have the talk with them:

The worst case scenario is that they aren’t ready to hear it, and they remain puzzled and worried. But if they’re interested and open-minded, you’ll set their mind at ease regarding your choice to stay childfree.

Have you been in this situation? How did you deal with it? Share your experience with the childfree community in the comments below.

All images are provided by Kaboompics.

In Part I (How we Devalue Motherhood in a Pro-Birth Society) I went over the ways we depreciate motherhood, despite living in a world that idolizes babies. In Part II, I’m going to talk about how we can create a culture that genuinely values mothering by making motherhood a choice.

There are, of course, direct actions we can take to improve the treatment and lives of mothers. For instance, we need to provide actual maternity leave. We need to pay living wages to everyone so that mothers and family units don’t need to choose between raising their children and working two jobs to make ends meet. These and other steps like them are important, but nothing will ever truly be resolved until we begin to change the way our society treats motherhood. And here’s how to do that.

Realize the motherhood is not a woman’s default role

In order to value motherhood, we have to stop treating it like the default.

We’re aware of how important the work of mothering is, because for most of us it was our mothers that kept us alive through childhood. But because producing and caring for babies is what women do, we don’t feel the need to truly value it.

Likewise, we understand how important having a fully staffed McDonald’s is, because it’s this institution that provides us with the fast and cheap meals that get us through the day. But because we believe there will always be a class of people ready to fill the roles there, we don’t value fast food workers.

Mothers are a given. They’re necessary for the structure of our society to remain unchanged, but they’re not going anywhere. Because we believe women will always become mothers, we feel no need to place any real value on motherhood.

This is what’s got to change. When this changes, our society will begin to take things like real maternity leave seriously. And I believe one of the ways to accomplish this cultural change is to start seeing motherhood as a choice. We need to treat it like a valid life decision, but a choice nonetheless.

How do we treat motherhood as a choice?

To treat motherhood like any other lifestyle choice, we need to stop assuming baby girls will inevitably grow up to become mothers. If a girl approaching adulthood expresses a desire to be a mother, let’s treat that choice with the same level of seriousness as entering a convent. Let’s ask, “Are you sure you want to commit to this for the rest of your life? Have you thought it through? Do you know what your day to day life will be like?” And if she is certain, let’s fully support her.

Fully supporting women who have made the conscious and careful decision to become mothers means we have got to stop—this instant—acting like the overworked, over-stressed, perpetually exhausted mother I mentioned in Part I is the Good Mother.

So, how do we start a huge, cultural shift?

Start by being aware. When you see media portraying good mothers as being over-tired and not receiving support at home or work, be cognoscente of it. The more you notice it, the more you’ll realize how pervasive it is. When you find yourself assuming that your female friends or co-workers will one day become mothers, stop. When someone gets married, don’t ask “when” they’re having kids. Start by simply talking about motherhood as one option available to women.

And if that sounds anti-climatic (just changing a few things in your daily conversations?) think about what an impact those small changes could have on the people you’re talking with. My grandmother told me when she was a young woman in the 60s, already with children of her own, one of her co-workers said that she and her husband decided not to have children. And that was the first time my grandmother had ever heard anyone say that. She had never heard anyone talk about having children as though it were a choice.

Today we have words like “childfree,” but although people have heard of the concept, it’s still foreign and mysterious. Talking about it, even in passing, helps make it a normal possibility. It helps women realize that they have that choice.

Is motherhood a choice for everyone?

While we’re talking about motherhood as a choice, we’ve got to address the uncomfortable fact that for many women, no such choice exists. Even in the United States, many women still don’t have reasonable access to contraceptives or any type of reproductive education. The horrifying truth is that for many American women, motherhood is still not a choice they get to make for themselves. It’s more or less forced upon them due to state-sponsored reproductive ignorance, lack of reproductive healthcare and accessible contraceptives, and restrictive abortion laws.

It’s easy for childfree women, who generally have access to contraceptives, to forget that many of our sisters are not so fortunate. And yet, despite continuous attempts to de-fund Planned Parenthood (one of the few institutions working to prevent unwanted pregnancies in the first place), contraceptive use is still on the rise. Let’s all do what we can to help that upward trajectory continue. When you vote or donate your time or money, remember to do so in a way that helps make motherhood a choice for all women.

How we talk about mothers in the childfree community matters

Finally, we in the childfree community should start being conscious of how we talk about mothers. I’m deeply against the common practice of childfree women referring to mothers as stupid, shallow, selfish human beings. Let’s stop using terms like “breeders” and acting like we just can’t imagine how anyone could be idiotic enough to willingly have a child. Wouldn’t our time and energy be more effectively used to spread the positive message that motherhood is a choice? Shouldn’t we focus on making sure women are able to choose the childfree life if that’s what they’d prefer?

I have nothing but respect and admiration for the mothers who consciously choose to have children and strive to raise them in loving and supportive homes. And if you believe your childfree life is better than a mother’s life, aren’t you pretty mean-spirited for berating someone you see as less fortunate? Let’s praise good mothers, support mothers who need support, and make sure that in the future, no one takes on the mantle of motherhood unless she truly wants it.

That’s how we can value motherhood and make the world better for everyone.

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All images are provided by Kaboompics.