What does a happily childfree woman have to say about motherhood? First let me say that I’m honestly not against motherhood. I’ve met women who are good mothers, and I would love to see more good mothers like them. My goal in creating The American Spinster has always been to encourage a critical examination of our cultural norms, and to encourage women to take the occupation of “mother” very seriously.
If you’ve read anything else on this site, you’ll know I think something is deeply wrong with our present society in that we make motherhood the default state of being for an adult woman. But this isn’t because I think parenting is inferior work. As I’ve said before, parenting is a vocation. Only those who are truly called it the work of raising children should become parents.
The devaluing of motherhood and does a disservice to mothers, women, and our society.
How do we devalue motherhood in a pro-birth society?
Seeing the following commercial is what spurred me to write this blog.
The reactions to the revelation that this god-awful job was motherhood honestly appalled me. Whereas I initially thought, “Oh wow, what a deep commentary on how horribly mothers are treated,” the interviewees responded with, “Awwww! Wow, so true. Moms are the best! My mom’s awesome!”
What? You just spent the last two minutes explaining how horrible this was and showing us that no self-respecting human would ever agree to degrade themselves like this with absolutely no monetary compensation. Now you want me to push all of that aside and say, “Yeah, moms are great.”
I understand that point of the commercial was simply to illustrate how much work moms do, and that—since they’re not being paid—they do it out of love. It’s a nice little Mother’s Day note acknowledging that moms work hard.
“Hey moms, we wanted to put together a little something to show how much we all love you. Happy Mother’s Day.”
But, that’s it. The commercial didn’t treat the revelation as if it were exposing a problem. It essentially said it was… sweet to see how moms are so easily compared to exploited laborers. The problem is, I don’t think this commercial is inaccurate. I think they hit the nail on the head when it comes to the way we think about motherhood. And it’s absolutely awful.
Why do we glorify the difficulties of modern motherhood?
In venerating the unpleasant, under-appreciated, exhausting, and often thankless work of motherhood, we enshrine the image of the suffering woman as… a truly happy woman. Seriously. This is what we do. We say that the image of an exhausted, over-worked woman nigh overwhelmed by the noise of her brood is what happiness looks like.
Being a mother may be happiness for some women. Being a caretaker may be happiness for some women. But being overworked and taken for granted is not happiness. In any other situation, we would call it abuse.
In the instance of the commercial, we would quite literally call that slavery. And by covering it with the cheesecloth of sainthood, we absolutely diminish the suffering of women. And that nonsense has got to stop.
But isn’t motherhood an inherently difficult job?
Don’t misunderstand me. To live is to suffer… to some extent. Every job, no matter how much of a passion or vocation it is, is going to test you. Life will challenge you, and that’s not a bad thing. But there is a difference between growing as a human to feel the immense, unconditional, enduring, selfless love that a mother can learn to feel for her child and simply being mistreated and devalued by society.
Will the work of motherhood require some sleepless nights, premature aging, and higher stress levels? Sure. But no mother needs to be chronically sleep-deprived, beaten down, discouraged, over-stressed, or depressed. That level of mistreatment is not required of the Good Mother. And we can’t sweep this injustice under the rug by sanctifying abuse as a sign of devotion.
But doesn’t it devalue mothers to say their suffering is unnecessary?
An insidious manifestation of the way we glorify the over-worked mother is seen in the way mothers often wear the stained t-shirt and unkempt hair as a badge of honor. The signs of exhaustion and stress have become a sign of their hard work and superiority. We tell moms that their suffering just shows how good they are, and that a mother who isn’t suffering must not be doing her job.
We have told mothers that this is the price of having children. And that if they don’t like it, complain too much, or try to find a way out of it then they’re lazy, unfit, and bad mothers. By extension, if a mother doesn’t complain too much and trudges onward without any significant help, then that woman is the one who’s really happy.
Listen. A woman can be happy being a mother and caring for her child. But do you genuinely believe that she couldn’t be just as happy being a mother and caring for her child in a healthier way? Don’t buy into the fiction that this is what motherhood is for humans. Human moms are not octopus mothers that starve themselves to death while caring for their eggs.
So if this isn’t the natural order of things, what is? Stay tuned until next week, when I’ll post Part II.
You’ve found yourself in the situation you never wanted to be in. Your partner wants kids. You don’t. Is there any way to save your relationship when only one of you is childfree?
What to Do When Your Partner Wants Kids
No matter where you are in your relationship, there are a few important rules of thumb when it comes to the topic of having children:
1. Never put this question off.
This is the sort of question that needs to be discussed long before things get serious. If you’re early in the relationship, bite the bullet and bring it up. If you’re already into your relationship and the topic has either never come up or your partner has changed their mind, now’s the time to have a sit-down talk.
2. Never, ever assume someone will change their mind.
I’ve read story after story where one partner says “okay” to not having kids, only to later reveal they assumed their partner would change their mind. It’s true that pressure may eventually wear a childfree person down, but this is a decision that should be made with total willingness.
3. Realize that sometimes people do change their minds.
Maybe you did have this discussion beforehand. Now you’re married and your partner has changed their mind. It’s easy to feel betrayed or tricked, and forced into a painful situation you did everything to avoid. But remember, people change their minds. As we grow, we’re bound to change in some ways. Try not to be angry with your partner for changing their mind on this important topic. Accept that this is where the two of you are now and work toward arriving at a mutually agreeable solution.
If You Aren’t Firmly Decided…
If you aren’t already 100% sure you don’t want kids, and this new development in your partner has you re-considering your previous stance, follow these next two steps:
4. Take a harsh look at what your life with kids will be like.
Now is not the time to put on rose-colored glasses and hope for the best. It is not the time to say, “well how bad could it be?” You’re talking about committing the rest of your life to something you don’t really want. Could this lead you to resent your partner? Google “how not to hate your husband after marriage” and marvel at how many pages of results you find under those specific keywords alone. Whatever you do, don’t underestimate how difficult it is to be a good and loving parent. Be realistic.
5. Remember who the victims will be.
No matter how much your partner wants children, remember that having a baby means creating a new life. If you have not been called to the vocation of parenthood, do not rely on some vague natural instincts to kick in. You’ve seen countless parents who don’t like or don’t properly care for their children. If instinct didn’t transform them into good parents, why do you think it will save you? All children deserve parents who want them above all else. Is it worth creating a new, unwanted human being to please your partner?
If You’re Still Childfree…
If you still feel that having children is not for you, but you want to continue your relationship, follow with these next few steps.
6. Sit down and talk it out.
Having children is still the default in our society. Make sure your partner has considered all of the implications of having children. Explain why you don’t want children, and ask them why they do. The very first step to finding a solution is understanding how you both feel.
7. Share your viewpoints.
Introduce your partner to online communities for the childfree, and ask them to consider your point of view as you consider theirs. And of course, listen to their reasons with an open heart and mind. If your partner wants kids, but can’t name any specific reasons why, don’t criticize them. Be loving, and understand that they were brought up with the mindset that having children is the normal, natural thing to do.
8. Be honest with one another.
Ending a relationship with someone you truly love may seem unthinkable. It can make anything, even having children you don’t want, seem like a better alternative to losing your partner. But don’t fall into the trap of saying what you think your partner wants to hear just to get them to stay.
Misleading your partner on such an important matter will only cause harm in the long run. Be honest, open, and loving with each other.
9. Consider compromises.
If you know that you will never want children, be clear about that. But also be open to the possibility of compromise. Find out what part of having children is most appealing to your partner. For instance, do they love kids? Do they want someone to carry on their name? Do they want to pass on what they’ve learned?
Once you understand what’s driving their desire for children, come up with a few compromises. For instance, you could both become mentors to an underprivileged child (did you know you can join Big Brothers Big Sisters as a couple?). Talk with them about what would help to meet that need in their life and if you can meet somewhere in the middle, do.
Is Our Relationship Over?
The cold truth is that sometimes this issue does lead to an inevitable break up. If you truly have genuine differences on this issue, it’ll probably lead to you living an unhappy life together or living contented lives apart. But don’t start dividing up your possessions yet. Sit with the matter for a good while. Continue discussing it – in the spirit of love and compassion – at intervals. Go back to your compromises.
Ajahn Brahm has said that it’s unwise to put the needs of your partner above your own. And that it’s equally unwise to put your own needs above those of your partner. Instead, he recommends putting the good of the relationship first. This represents both of you fully, and you’ll find you will never slight yourself or your partner if you view things through this lens.
If the result after all of your efforts to find a suitable compromise is that having children is as bad for the relationship as not having them, then it may be time to lovingly acknowledge the natural end of the relationship. But you may find that what’s best for the relationship is some compromise that leads to happiness for both of you.
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Most of us know that our planet is in trouble. But with so much wrong in the world, where do we start? Good news, my eco-conscious friends. We can save the planet, empower women, and improve global quality of life all at once. Childfree Millennials have their work cut out for them.
The Eco-Conscious Millennial Mindset
As an 80s/90s kid, I grew up watching Captain Planet and the Planeteers. The admittedly cheesy TV series was blatant pro-environmental propaganda designed to mold the minds of the new generation. This, along with other media such as the film Fern Gully: The Last Rain Forest, fulfilled their purpose. They convinced my young peers and I that we had a personal responsibility to protect the planet and its future. Not only that; we also had the ability to do so.
Now, bear in mind, the message of environmental destruction was simplified for a younger audience, and so were the proposed solutions. As we grew older we learned that issues (such as deforestation and the overuse of unsustainable resources) aren’t as cut-and-dry as the Planeteers and their caricature villains would have us believe. But, overall, we weren’t disillusioned. Millennials are ready to put their politics where their mouths are, (though, granted, less likely to take smaller personal actions like recycling).
And many are starting to recognize that we’re on the precipice of genuine global transformation. Or at least, we could be.
How over-population affects our planet
I can’t say for sure whether the simplistic “save the rainforest” campaigns that permeated public schools during the 1990s had a long-term effect on how Millennials make major life decisions. Many factors, including significant economic limitations, go into the trends (such as a drop in birth rate) that we’re seeing as this generation moves into mid-adulthood. And yet, in spite of the fact that—with a global population of 7.5 billion—the planet has reached (and likely surpassed) its carrying capacity, this slight decline in birthrate is often decried as a negative.
Why we don’t like talking about population control
So why isn’t this a more serious discussion? Well, setting aside the fact that we kind of just enjoy blaming Millennials for pre-existing problems, population control is a very sensitive topic. I can’t remember ever hearing it discussed in pro-environmental TV, movies, or in school. And that’s probably because when advocates start talking about bringing birth control to the world (particularly to so-called third world countries and to minorities in the United States) alarms sound. Watchdogs will sometimes refer to these efforts with phrases like “mass sterilization” or “forced sterilization.” But in a world that’s past its carrying capacity, mass distribution of contraceptives and access to sterilization procedures sounds like a good way to save the planet. So why the concern?
“Population control” and “eugenics” are kissing cousins
The implication with terms like those above is that irreversible sterilization is being forced on people, typically along racial and class lines. And let me be clear: this is not just fear-mongering. This has absolutely happened in the past. The United States has a particularly dark history with compulsory sterilization, which you can learn about here: Our Bodies, Ourselves.
Knowing how many women have been sterilized either without their consent or completely against their will, and the frightening circumstances in which it happened (and, in certain instances, still does happen), it’s easy to see why this is such a hair-trigger topic. We’ve seen how outrageous human rights abuses can happen with the blessing of those in power. So it’s no surprise that watchdog organizations keep a close eye on anything that resembles these practices.
Why we need to talk about population control
While I don’t in any way deny the importance of keeping an active radar on the issue of compulsory sterilization, mis-identifying free access to contraceptives as forced sterilization must stop. Far too often when the option to utilize contraceptives is offered, well-meaning detractors claim that this is class- or raced-based eugenics. In fairness, these are murky waters, as women of lesser financial means are both less likely to have easy access to contraceptives as well as less likely to be able to support a large family. But it is no more ethical to deny access based on socioeconomic status than it is to enforce it.
If you’re wondering how women’s reproductive choices are going to circle back to population control without forced sterilization or government incentivized one-child policies, rest easy. We don’t need to plunge into a dystopian future, where having children is illegal without a special permit, or where people in certain castes are sterilized at birth. There is an entirely ethical solution.
The fact is women in general respond favorably to being able to decide whether and when they’ll have children. Our job isn’t to make that choice for anyone: our job is to provide access and accurate information so women can make an informed choice for themselves.
II. How Can Childfree Millennials Save the Planet?
This ethical solution involves two straight-forward steps:
1) The first is to make safe, reliable contraceptives available everywhere.
2) The second is to educate women.
We’ve seen time and time again that when either of these things happen, birth rates drop – no coercion required. Let’s look at each of these steps.
Contraceptives
In 2016, the U.S. finally embarked on something of a social/medical experiment. The state of Oregon began making prescription oral contraceptives available over-the-counter (meaning a pharmacist may now write the prescription). This meant that women could obtain a prescription for The Pill without seeing a doctor. Additionally, for women who had health insurance, the cost for a 12-month supply was covered by all insurers.
Predictably, this lead to a significant increase in prescriptions. And although there is no direct evidence of causality, the abortion rate is currently at its lowest point in decades. This, combined with the decline in birth rate, further re-enforces the idea that women are fully capable of making their own health and family planning decisions, and will do so when given the means.
Educating Women
What does the education level of women have to do with this? Jane Goodall said it most succinctly: “As women’s education increases all around the planet, we find family size begins to drop.” She’s right. Across countries and cultures, when women are educated, they elect –overall – to have smaller families. Again, without coercion.
Elina Pradhan of the World Bank writes, “In a nutshell, data show that the higher the level of a woman’s educational attainment, the fewer children she is likely to bear. Given that fewer children per woman and delayed marriage and childbearing could mean more resources per child and better health and survival rates for mothers and children, this is an important link.” Furthermore, The United Nations University shows an inverse correlation between education level of women and number of maternal deaths.
How this saves the planet
It’s clear that when women are given the choice to decide if and how many children they’ll have, they tend overwhelmingly toward smaller families. We don’t need to put limits on family size, we don’t need to offer incentives (or ultimatums) to women to strong arm them into having smaller families. Alexandra Paul explains this clearly in her Ted Talk:
And it gets even better. Providing women with education and accessible contraceptives doesn’t just lowers birth rates on an over-populated planet. It’s also a safe and effective way to dramatically decrease abortion rates without depriving women of bodily autonomy. It’s a win-win-win.
III. Where We Need to Go from Here
A slight decrease in birth rate from the Millennial generation is an encouraging start, but it’s definitely not time to rest on our laurels. Women and girls throughout the world (including in the United States) still lack access to reliable contraceptives and basic reproductive education. The decisions of whether to have children, when to have children, and how many children to have are still unavailable to most women.
What can you do to help?
My fellow childfree Millennials, it’s not enough to say we support something. We’ve got to actually support it. If you want to help make education and family planning accessible to women across the world, here’s how:
Visit The Malala Fund. Find dozens of resources and ways to help girls get education.
Donate to Planned Parenthood. This organization provides women’s health care services, STD testing, and of course, low-cost contraceptives.
Vote. When you cast your ballot, vote for political leaders who support women’s health and education, and against those who oppose it.
Spread the word. Tell your friends on how we can give women equal education, reproductive choice, and subsequently save the planet.
When more people know how to help, more people will help.
“What is clear is that as a culture becomes wealthier and healthier, and men and women alike are increasingly and equally able to meet all their basic needs, they become free to pursue dreams, desires and passions—to the great betterment of society. And in doing so, they often freely choose to delay childbearing, have fewer children, or not have children at all.
“No coercion, no quotas. No forced sterilization or abortion nightmares like are thought to happen in China. Just plenty of positive, life-affirming and practical incentives to have few children, or none.
“The more people are educated and helped to prosper—especially women (who have the babies after all)—the happier and more fulfilled we can all become and the less we strain the carrying capacity of our precious planet. This is the force of progress.”
If you want to truly help improve out planet, do whatever you can to make safe, reliable contraception readily available to everyone, and to help educate women and girls throughout the world. This is how we sustain our planet and improve the human experience for everyone.
Tired of trying to explain to your friends and family why you’re childfree? Wish you could just sit them down and give them a list that spells it all out? Send them this list of 7 Things Childfree People Wish You Knew.
1. We don’t hate your kids.
Okay, some childfree people definitely hate kids. But a lot of us bear no ill will to the youth of our species. For many, the decision to be childfree is based on numerous factors, not just whether or not we like kids. So please, don’t assume that we’ll be cold or unkind to your young ‘uns. If you aren’t sure if your childfree friend will want to spend time around your child, just ask!
2. We’ve thought long and hard about our decision.
We often put more thought into our decision to be childfree than parents put into their choice to have kids. To make the conscious decision to abstain from having children in a world that assumes all women will, and often vilifies those who don’t, takes effort. That’s why the trite, “Oh, you’ll change your mind” is demeaning to most childfree people; it implies we’re flippant about our choice, and for the majority of us, we’re definitely not.
3. We’re making a responsible choice.
You may call us shallow and selfish if you must, but you can’t accuse us of being irresponsible. Someone who knows they won’t be a good parent and takes precautions against having children is far more responsible than someone who decides to “see what happens.” When it comes to having kids, the most irresponsible thing anyone can do is fail to sit down and make a conscious choice beforehand.
4. We contribute to society.
Gone are the days when a middle- to upper-class woman had no way of supporting herself, and could only contribute to her husband’s wealth by producing children. And yet, in lesser, more subtle ways, this sentiment remains. Our culture has replaced the overt statement (“women who don’t have children are useless”) with a belief that, although women can earn their own income and contribute to society directly, nothing she does will contribute as much as procreating.
5. We aren’t lazy or ‘too selfish.’
It seems that if women aren’t entirely absorbed with child-rearing, they must be vain, lazy, and narcissistic. In fact, we’re no more selfish than parents, some of whom have kids for incredibly selfish reasons. The choice to be childfree, like the choice to have children, can be made for selfish or selfless reasons. It all depends on the person and their motivations. Having said that, if a woman thinks she is selfish and decides not to have kids for that reason – kudos to her. Better to be a self-absorbed person without kids, wouldn’t you agree?
6. We don’t look down on you for having kids.
Again, there are some childfree people who do take on a holier-than-thou attitude when it comes to having kids (a tone childfree people receive all too often from some parents). But the choice to have children is deeply personal. If you’ve made a conscious choice to have kids, good for you. That was your choice, and many of us will respect that. And if you didn’t, if you –like millions of others– grew up believing it’s what you were supposed to do and did so without ever questioning it… still good for you. If you realized too late that being a parent wasn’t something you wanted, but you’ve done your best to raise your kids in spite of it, that’s a responsible choice too.
7. We do know what love is.
Of course the love a parent feels for their child is going to be different from the love someone feels for their partner, their parents, their dog, etc. But to say that we don’t really understand love because we’ve never had a child says a lot about a person’s idea of real love.
If a person lacks the empathy and emotional intelligence to experience genuine love before having a child, I can’t see how they would develop that afterward. The only thing having a child will do for someone who has never really loved something/someone beforehand is foster a Stockholm-like bond necessary for survival. I personally wouldn’t call that real love.
Bonus Thing Childfree People Wish You Knew – We don’t want to be pitied.
Being unintentionally childless is one thing. Being intentionally childfree is quite another. We’re happy with our choice and definitely don’t want to be treated with quiet pity by parents. If you wouldn’t like us to treat you with sorrowful, knowing sighs because you just don’t know what you’re missing out on, please don’t do that to us.
Parents – Did you learn anything from this list? What was it? Childfree people – Is there anything else you’d add to this list? Let me know in the comments below!
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Although some people don’t have kids because they hate them, being childfree doesn’t automatically mean you’re anti-child. If you love kids but don’t want any, you’re not alone. And if you’re tired of hearing “But you love kids! How could you not want to have them?” you’re in the right place.
So what’s wrong with you?
Are You A Selfish, Self-Entitled Millennial?
It’s gotten to the point where Millennials can’t sneeze without being called selfish and lazy. (Or accused of putting the tissue companies out of business by wiping their noses with toilet paper. But I digress.) So you’ve probably already heard that the reason we’re not having kids is, no surprise, because we’re just selfish and lazy.
I disagree. I think in most cases it’s because we’re just a bit more aware of ourselves and our options. You probably know more than a handful of Baby-Boomers and Gen Xers who are pretty selfish and lazy (if not downright hateful) as parents. They had children for incredibly selfish reasons. But the point is that they had kids. And since that’s what our society says you’re supposed to do, their selfishness is forgiven.
We live in a culture that glorifies parental self-gratification. No matter how selfish a reason is to have a child, if it results in a baby, the selfishness is excused. So it’s only when Millennials look at that and say, “Yeah, maybe it would be better not to have a child if I don’t think I’d be a good parent,” that things get uncomfortable.
It’ll take another article entirely to go into all the reasons that some parents feel angry and defensive around non-parents. So let’s just get back to the main point. You don’t want kids, but you do like kids. If it’s not because you’re selfish and lazy, then what is wrong with you?
Nothing’s Wrong with You
If your response to not wanting to have children is to not have children, then there’s nothing wrong. If you didn’t think you’d be a good parent and had them anyway, then you really would be being selfish. Now as to why you don’t want to have kids when you enjoy their company… that’s not too complicated.
It’s fine to like (or even love) something and not want to possess it. It’s similar to loving dogs, but choosing not to have one. There are plenty of good reasons for that, such as:
you live in a small apartment and feel it’s not a good environment for a dog
you know you don’t have the time to properly care for a dog
you think you’ll resent having to get up in the middle of the night to let it out to pee
you find dogs fun to play with, but you know you wouldn’t like the committment
you think you’ll probably end up being the person who doesn’t clean up their dog’s poop
Basically, it’s for any reason you wouldn’t be able to give a dog the life it deserves. And if that informs your decision to not get a dog, kudos to you.
When It Comes to Kids
The same is true for having kids. There are dozens (maybe hundreds) of valid reasons you might love kids but don’t want any of your own. For instance, maybe you can’t afford children without relying on financial assistance from others. Or you have bad genes and feel it would be irresponsible to pass them on. For that matter, the fact that the earth is already over-populated might make having a child seem narcissistic.
Then there are even more compelling reasons. Maybe you aren’t certain you could love any child unconditionally. Perhaps you appreciate the fact that, just because you like kids doesn’t mean you’d make a good parent. And then there’s the most important reason of all: you simply have no reason that you actively want a child.
Regarding that last one, as I’ve said before, parenthood is a vocation. If you don’t feel called to it, then it’s not for you.
So if you love kids but don’t want any, you’re fine.
More than fine, actually. You have a huge advantage over all of the people who didn’t realize they didn’t want kids until after they had them. Provided you don’t bow to social pressure and have one anyway (Amy from we’re {not} having a baby! has something to say on this matter), you’ll be in good shape.
If you’re still worried that you’ll be missing out, or if you simply just don’t know what to say to your nagging relatives and co-workers, check out these other resources:
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