Though famously avoiding politics, Dolly Parton was not shy about her support of working women or her choice to be childfree. She was an inspiration, both as a musician and as a childfree career woman. Dolly infamously refused to make herself more palatable or less flamboyant, in spite of decades of mockery for her larger-than-life personality. I want to celebrate Dolly Parton’s incredible life and legacy today.

Celebrating the incredible, inspirational Dolly Parton

Like most Americans and many people across the globe, I was heartbroken to hear about the death of Dolly Parton. Though her Christian faith says she is in a better place and reunited with all the loved ones who passed before her, the world lost one of the brightest stars it had when she left this world for the next. I admired Dolly Parton for many reasons, not the least of which being her status as a highly visible childfree career woman. Dolly stood confidently against decades of opposition from a world that told her to tone it down and stay in her lane. And today, she is remembered for her commitment to loving her neighbors and making the world a little bit brighter.

Why will I always love her? I’ll tell you.

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Dolly Parton let her ambition show

In her book, Behind the Seams: My Life in Rhinestones, Dolly Parton says, “I got dreams so big they’d scare some people.” She was right about that. Her ambition seemed to make a lot of people uncomfortable. A pretty blond woman with a guitar from the hills of Tennessee shouldn’t seriously aspire to be a movie star, a business tycoon, or even a pop star.

As many people already know, Dolly Parton was born into extreme poverty. Her father was illiterate, and her mother was just fifteen when married, meaning there was little hope of improving their circumstances.¹ But Dolly decided early on that she would get people’s attention—she would become famous.

Her confidence was unparalleled, and that can feel threatening to some. It’s especially disconcerting when the woman in question doesn’t fit the image of the power-hungry corporate climber in big shoulder pads and a masculine haircut. Dolly Parton, an openly childfree career woman with a hyper-feminine appearance and sugar-sweet personality, was discordant to many people early on. She made them nervous.

That didn’t stop her or even slow her down.

Dolly the brilliant business woman

Though she was an incredibly intelligent woman in her own right, Dolly Parton had the good sense to surround herself with experts. She hired the right managers, and seems never to have been afraid to leave a situation that wasn’t serving her goals. Yet she didn’t burn bridges. Porter Wagoner famously sued her for three million dollars for breach of contract.² This was long before she earned her first million. But although the professional breakup was rocky, Dolly didn’t hold a grudge. They made amends in the 1980s. She showed everyone that you can be a shrewd business woman and a kind-hearted, compassionate person simultaneously.

That wasn’t the only way she stood out as a career woman. Instead of letting banks and wealth management teams handle all her financial investments, she made many of them personally. This allowed her to invest in things that returned more than money. Dolly Parton invested in the well-being of her town of Pigeon Forge, in her state, in the careers of other artists, in children, and so much more. She purposefully put her money in places where it would help others, not just herself. To me, that makes her a much more aspirational figure than someone who made more money at the expense of their community.

Dolly was a childfree career woman who made children her business

Of her choice to remain childfree, Dolly said, “Since I had no kids, and my husband was pretty independent, I had freedom.”³ She elaborated that she didn’t think being a mother was what God wanted for her. Instead, she says that because of her freedom to work, “everybody’s kids could be mine.”

Her dedication to childhood literacy and education manifested in the Dollywood Foundation. Through it, she helped high school graduation rates in Tennessee skyrocket.⁴ And something else came from the Dollywood Foundation. As you likely know, Dolly Parton created the Imagination Library. For the last thirty-one years, this nonprofit has donated over 300,000,000 books to children.

Dolly Parton crumpled up the stereotype of the cold, self-centered, childfree career woman and chucked it in the trash.

How Dolly Parton supported other women

Though she refused the term “feminist,” it’s undeniable that Dolly Parton supported women’s equality. She spoke out about the importance of women artists having control over their own careers. And no matter how the press tried to get her to complain about other women—from her co-stars to her fellow musicians—she never took the bait. She didn’t need to tear anyone else down to prop herself up. That’s what genuine self-confidence will do.

She also highlighted the work of Black women throughout her career. Most recently, when Beyoncé faced slightly negative press ahead of the release of her first country album, Dolly congratulated her, saying she was excited to listen to it.⁵

I’m sure there were women Dolly Parton didn’t like and wouldn’t have supported, but if so, she never focused on them. Instead she put her energy into lifting others up and highlighting their good qualities. In today’s world, where “trad wives” and Evangelical Christian women are trying to push women out of the workplace, higher education, and even the polls, it’s hard to find the line between fighting against harmful women and helping others. I think Dolly presents us with one good example.

Dolly Parton as an example of Christian womanhood

Speaking of the way Christian Evangelicalism is making broad strides to keep women out of offices, sports, and colleges, it might be difficult to see how Dolly Parton could consider herself a Bible-belt Christian. In keeping with her abstinence from politics, Dolly seems not to have been influenced by the rise of Evangelical Christianity. Instead, she appears to have believed the teachings of Jesus were more essential than the teachings of Billy Graham, James Dobson, and the oil barons who funded “neo-Evangelicalism.”⁶

In spite of her tremendous financial success, she never preached prosperity gospel. Never did she say, “It’s because I’m a better person that God rewarded me and not you.” Or, “If you haven’t made it yet, you simply aren’t trying hard enough.” What she did say was that she always aspired to get better at what she did and to be the best she could be at whatever she put her hand to.

Dolly Parton embodied the lyrics to the hymn, “They’ll know we are Christians by our love.”

The future Dolly Parton modeled

As I briefly mentioned earlier, Dolly was sometimes criticized for staying out of politics. She wouldn’t endorse candidates or say which way she voted (or wanted others to vote). And while that often frustrates me with celebrities, it never did with Dolly.

That’s because Dolly Parton walked the walk. She was a generous, gracious, clever, supportive, childfree career woman. It’s true that part of being a good business woman is making sure you don’t alienate your audience. But I don’t see her tiptoeing around sensitive issues to avoid a drop in income. When she said, “I would never dream of hurting anyone on purpose,”⁷ I believe she meant it.

And although she said most things with a charming smile (including sweetly saying she’d have probably kicked Barbara Walters’s shins for calling her a hillbilly⁸), Dolly never avoided the topics that mattered to her. For instance, she insisted people treat her family and her people with respect. She simply said it with a gentle charm. She supported the LGBTQ+ community long before that was a safe move to make.⁹ Dolly also openly, vocally supported the Black Lives Matter movement, saying, “Of course Black lives matter. Do we think our little white asses are the only ones that matter?”¹⁰

Regarding her universal appeal in a politically divided country, Lindsay Ellis recently said, “Maybe, deep down, she is the human embodiment of the hope that maybe we might reconcile with our estranged family members.”¹¹ That’s probably a big part of it. I think Dolly’s commitment to her causes combined with her refusal to endorse the Democratic or Republican party does something else, too.

I think Dolly helped us to believe that our actions mean more than our labels. That supporting working women and mothers matters more than merely aligning with a party that claims to. Dolly Parton put her time, effort, focus, and money behind the things she believed in. She responded to barbs with grace and smiles (as well as some sharp wit). She sought commonality, praised skill and virtue where she saw it, gave back to her community a hundred-fold, and seemed never to tire of raising others up. And she did all of this not in spite of being a childfree career woman, but because of it. Dolly recognized that her destiny was in working for the benefit of others globally, rather than only in her own home.

Let anyone who doubts the value that childfree women bring to the community look at Dolly Parton. For that matter, let’s all look to her example and try our best to emulate it.

Rest in peace, Dolly. You’ve earned your bed of plush cotton.

I mentioned Behind the Seams earlier, but Dolly Parton authored and co-authored over a dozen books. You can check them out here:
Dolly Parton at Books-A-Million

Sources

1. Woman’s World “Meet Dolly Parton’s Parents” ↩︎
2. People.com “Dolly Parton Talks Freedom from Porter Wagoner” ↩︎
3. People.com “Why Dolly Parton and Late Husband Carl Dean Never Had Kids” ↩︎
4. Fortune.com “Dolly Parton loved her Tennessee county so much that her foundation cut its dropout rate to 6%” ↩︎
5. Billboard.com “Dolly Parton Congratulates Beyoncé on Billboard Country Chart Record” ↩︎
6. “How a Passion for Crude Shaped American Faith” ↩︎
7. W Magazine “As soon as you realize that [something] is a problem, you should fix it. Don’t be a dumbass. That’s where my heart is. I would never dream of hurting anybody on purpose.” ↩︎
8. ABC on YouTube ↩︎
9. To highlight the point, there’s an entire Wikipedia page devoted solely to her decades-long support of the gay rights movement ↩︎
10. W Magazine “And of course Black lives matter. Do we think our little white asses are the only ones that matter? No!” ↩︎
11. “Yes, she really was That Great.” by Lindsay Ellis ↩︎

Mombies. Breeders. Trash. Stupid. Entitled. Why do childfree women hate moms?

Do Childfree Women Hate Moms?

The title might seem a little clickbait-y, but it’s a question I’ve had to ask myself over the last couple of years. Since seeing more of the online childfree community, I’ve seen the absolute disgust many childfree women have for mothers. It’s brutal. And it’s left me wondering, time and again, why?

You may disagree with me on this, but in my experience no one obsesses over the wrong-ness of someone else’s life unless it’s harming them directly or touching a nerve. Now, random mothers on the internet aren’t directly affecting childfree women’s lives.  At best we can claim they’re hogging resources for their children, that’s nothing compared to the disproportionate resources very wealthy individuals are using just on themselves.

So what is the real reason childfree women hate moms so much?

Mom-Bashing on the Internet

I come across some pretty hate-filled speech when I visit childfree groups. Besides the name-calling (breeder, mombie and crotch droppings for kids), I see posts filled with reasons that mothers are disgusting, gross, entitled, and trash. Any post that contains some sort of pain, discomfort, or unhappiness for a mother is met with more than a few words of delight. She deserves it, the stupid breeder.

And maybe you’re thinking, “Lils, it’s the internet. If you can’t handle hate talk, don’t log in.” And that would be fair. But my quest here isn’t to rid the world of impolite people on the internet. It’s to find out what is really at the bottom of this surprisingly vicious and unending anger toward moms.

Why the obsessive interest in moms?

It looks like childfree women are paying a lot of attention to a lifestyle we supposedly don’t care about. And sure, if you’re social media friends with a pregnant woman, you’re going to see posts about her pregnancy. And if you hate kids and pregnancy, it’s going to upset you. I also understand that many people keep contacts they don’t particularly like on the friends list. But… why follow them? Why keep up with their apparently distasteful lives?

Why create online spaces that help childfree women hate moms?

Are Moms Just Easy Scapegoats?

When you get right down to it, moms aren’t hurting us or cramping our style more than other groups. It is distressing to see the horrible ways some mothers treat their children. And it can be annoying to see mothers getting so much attention. But, that’s a lot of anger for such common crimes. Is it simply the fact that this is the internet, and being mildly annoyed at someone can translate to unreasonably angry speech?

All of it looks–to me–like a basically baseless hatred. The kind we need to hang on to to keep from looking more closely at something in our own lives or society. And so we make moms the “other.” We find their lifestyle gross, so we call them disgusting. We think they’re dumb for no knowing motherhood would be so taxing, so we call them brainless mombies. And, like any type of resentment-based, illogical anger, we back it up with ‘proof’ that they’re hogging resources and overpopulating the planet. They deserve our hatred.

Pardon My Soap Box, But…

So why the heck do I care so much about the way childfree women hate moms?

Because being childfree wasn’t always a choice for me. I grew up in a very conservative church group where birth control was never discussed. It could only be whispered among married couples who already had a few children.

I had no sex education whatsoever. And I definitely didn’t have the means to get any kind of birth control. I mean that. There was no possibility of me even going into a pharmacy on my own, much less coming home with condoms. If I’d ever had sex as a teen, there would have been no way I would have been able to use protection.

So, when I read comments like, “That stupid twat knew what she was getting into,” I think, “Did she?” Childfree women, overall, seem very educated about pregnancy and childbirth–which is probably part of why we opt to be childfree. But no-one (I mean literally no-one) ever told me about any of it when I was growing up.

My experience isn’t usual. A lot of kids grow up in similar situations. It’s easy for a childfree woman with unrestricted internet access to look down on teens and young, insulated adults for not knowing better. But when your school, parents and church refuse to discuss the realities of sex, childbirth, or birth control, how are you supposed to learn about it?

Despising the Less Fortunate

This is the case for most of the unhappy mothers I know. I imagine it’s the case for most unhappy mothers, period. They were herded into a lifestyle they didn’t choose freely (if you don’t know there are options, you can’t make a choice). They’re stuck in a society that idolizes birth but devalues mothers. They lose their selfhood in service to their kids. At times, they try to take pride in this martyrdom. And sometimes they turn to social media to vent their frustrations.

Childfree women, on the other hand, have lives we supposedly love. But we talk viciously about women who ended up in lives they don’t even like. Don’t misunderstand me, we need to vent our frustrations at times, too. And not every action we take has to be some glorious, altruistic move.

But maybe, instead of ranting about how much moms disgust us, our time would be better spent trying to reach young girls and women to let them know that they have other options.

Does this ring true for you? Tell me about your experiences in the comments below.
If you’re uneasy with the way childfree groups are often flimsy disguises for anti-procreation groups, I recommend checking out Respectfully Childfree.

Images provided by Kaboompics

If you don’t have kids, you’re supposed to have tons of free time on your hands. So why are you always struggling to find time for the basics? In this post, I’ll show you how to use free time wisely as a childfree woman.

Why You Don’t Have Kids or Free Time

Childfree people are rolling in piles of money, get at least eight hours of sleep per night, and have hours upon hours of free time. Right?

I mean, that’s certainly the image both happily childfree people and resentful parents like to believe in. But if you’re like most of the childfree people I know, that definitely doesn’t describe your life. I’ll tackle the ideas about wealth and good rest another day. Today I’m talking about the relationship between a childfree person and her free time.

How to Use Free Time as a Childfree Woman

You’ve probably heard the stories about how dedicated mothers found–or made–the time they needed to manage their careers while juggling an armful of after-school activity schedules, keeping house, and helping their kids with homework. Meanwhile, you can’t seem to manage your meager to-do list with one job and no kids. What gives? Are all those supermoms liars? Are you just lazy?

There’s a reason that you, childfree person who supposedly has tons of time, don’t make productive use of your time. You might not like to hear it, but it could change your life. You can’t get anything done because you don’t have enough to do.

Before you close this tab, hear me out. This post is for you. No matter how overwhelmed and behind schedule you are, it’s because you aren’t doing enough to need a decent schedule. So, let me explain how to use free time by getting rid of your free time.

Dr. Ana (Psychology with Dr. Ana) discusses something similar in her video, “How doing MORE healed my burnount (it’s not as toxic as it sounds).” While it sounds contradictory (or worse, pro hustle culture), I promise it makes sense.

The Secret’s in the Schedule

You’ve scrolled past the video tutorials about how busy momtrepreneurs schedule their day. Now I’m going to tell you how to use their tips to your advantage. The reason some moms can manage so much while you can barely keep your kitchen clean is plain. They have no choice. You do, so you need to choose to make the most of your free time.

As motivational author Jen Sincero* has said, “If you feel like you have all the time in the world to do something, you will take all the time in the world.” This lines up with Parkinson’s law, which Dr. Ana references in her video: “Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion.” This is why scheduling can be incredibly beneficial — it keeps a single task from filling up an entire day.

Listen. There are days when I go to work and I literally have one goal when I get home. And I don’t get it done. Yet I still go to bed exhausted. Then there are days when I have 10 different tasks to do between 5:30 and 8:00, and they all get done on time. With a set amount of time, I need to make decisions about how I’m going to go about each task, and I need to make those decisions quickly. That keeps a small chore from becoming a massive project.

Now, if you’re thinking, “Lills, I can’t find the time I need to get my clothes ready for the next day. Writing things on a calendar won’t help,” listen closer. Using a schedule is just like using a budget. In fact, they’re the exact same thing. One shows you how to budget your money so you don’t blow it all, and the other shows you how to budget your time so you don’t blow it all.

It’s true that schedules don’t work for everyone, and people with neurological conditions such as ADHD may struggle to use traditional time management tools. But that doesn’t mean there isn’t a time budget that will work for you. Jessica McCabe, of How to ADHD, has some amazing resources that could change your life.

How to Set Up Your Single, Childfree Schedule

Making your schedule doesn’t need to be a horrible chore. And using your schedule shouldn’t feel like living in a boarding school. Just like a financial budget, your time budget is here to let you live the way you want to. It’s going to give you control over your time.

To get started, you’ve got to:

Track Your Time

In How To Live On 24 Hours A Day, author Arnold Bennett** challenges the reader to account for their time. If you spend 10 hours a day commuting and working, and 8 hours a night sleeping, where do the other 6 go?

This is usually the first thing you do when you get ready to make a financial budget, too. You’ve got to track your spending to see where your money is going. Only then can you identify the areas you can improve. When you find out where all your time is going (Netflix, scrolling through Instagram instead of brushing your teeth, etc), you’ll at least be able to see the real reason you don’t have time.

Remember, there’s nothing wrong with chilling in front of your laptop. But if you want to see how to use your time well, you’ve got to…

Make a Schedule

If you already have a calendar app you like, great. If not, use the one your phone came with, or download a free program like Evernote. Then fill in every single hour of your day. My schedule usually looks like this:

• 5:00-5:10 – Bed yoga
• 5:11-5:19 – Get dressed
• 5:20-5:29 – Eat breakfast
• 5:30-5:39 – Feed pets

Then I spend the next chunk of time commuting and working. My schedule after getting home is much more relaxed, but no less filled. It includes:

• Eating dinner (20 minutes)
• Watching Netflix (55 minutes)
• Writing for The American Spinster (1:15 minutes)
• Playing with pets (20 minutes)
• Getting clothes and lunch ready for tomorrow (15 minutes)

Some of these things overlap. For instance, I usually play with my cat and prepare my lunch while I have Star Trek playing.

Schedule Blank Time

I also schedule blank time, or time with no specific purpose. These slots are usually only 5 or 10 minutes long and happen in between more definitive activities. I can use these time slots if something takes longer than I planned, or if something unexpected, like a phone call, comes up.

Some times I have a completely blank hour. But I also have a list of unscheduled items I need to do. For instance, I know that some time during this week I need to write and mail thank-you notes. When I find myself with a blank time slot, I’ll look at my list, see that, and do it.

Stick to It

It should go without saying, but it’s so important I’m going to remind you. You’ve got to stick to your schedule. Changing your schedule when something comes up is fine. Cheating on your schedule is self-sabotage. Again, this can be especially difficult for people with ADHD or other disabilities. Find the method of reminding yourself that works for you.

If you want to learn how to use free time wisely, you’ve got to trust me on this. Use a schedule, and stick to it.

Whether you’re childfree by choice or by chance, you’ve got time that women with kids lack. Use it like the gift it is.

Do you suffer from self-imposed guilt over not getting more done in your free time? Are you ready to start taking advantage of the childfree lifestyle? What scheduling program, if any, do you use? Let me know in the comments below.

Notes

* Jen Sincero’s Badass books helped me think about money in a much more positive way. However, there are plenty of valid critiques of her work, including that much of her advice only applies to people who already have a certain amount of privilege (like me). Some of her earlier work is also click-baity at best and downright harmful at worst. If you’re interested in learning more, SAVY WRITES BOOKS has an entire playlist dedicated to her work.

** I think looking at Arnold Bennett’s work is important, as it has laid the foundation for a lot of self-help/time-management books that have followed. Like many resources, there are a lot of thought-provoking ideas in How to Live on 24-Hours a Day. But it severely downplays the fact that we don’t all have the same level of flexibility to manipulate our schedules. Poor people are far more at the mercy of systems designed to maximize profits for shareholders, not time for individuals and communities.

As with everything, if you choose to read any of my sources, read them critically.

Images provided by Kaboompics

So you’ve got to pick out a cool present for one of your sibling’s kids. But you don’t have the slightest idea what’s popular with the young ‘uns these days. Never worry. Here’s the childfree woman’s guide to buying gifts for nieces and nephews.

How to Get Your Nibling a Great Gift

One of the earliest posts I ever wrote for this blog is “How to Be the Cool Aunt.” In it, I talk briefly about buying gifts for your nieces and nephews. I mentioned that you should focus on gifts that:

• Aren’t too expensive
• Are based on their interests
• Encourage them to think creatively

Today I’m going to explain this in a bit more detail.

Your Role as the Gift-Giving Cool Aunt

My cool aunt always got us nice gifts. Not ridiculously expensive, but not cheap either. But what made them especially nice was how well they seemed to suit me. For a woman who only saw me for a few minutes once a week, she really seemed to understand what I liked.

The fact that she didn’t have children probably made it easier for  her to pay attention to what my cousins and I really wanted.

3 Tips for Buying Gifts for Your Nieces and Nephews

The best gift you can give to anyone is a gift that makes them feel seen and understood. The price tag and cultural relevance (i.e., the season’s hottest toy trends) are less important. So when it comes to buying gifts for your nieces and nephews, choose something that:

1. Isn’t too expensive

The goal here is to focus on the quality of the gift as it applies to the kid. That will probably mean spending a little money, but your job isn’t to get the expensive new gaming system. Leave that to parents and grandparents.

2. Relates to their interests

This is where you can really stand out. As I mentioned in the earlier blog post, parents are used to their kids. They tend to see them through the ideas they developed years ago. Even if the kid’s interests have changed or their personalities have continued to develop, parents can be slow to see it.

The trick to buying gifts for your nieces and nephews is to get something that wasn’t on their list, but does meet their interests. Pay attention to them. What do they love to talk about? See what kinds of toys or activity books you can find on the topic, even if it’s weird. If you have a niece who really loves looking at Pottery Barn catalogs, get her an Interior Design Sketch Portfolio.

{Pst! That’s an affiliate link. There are going to be a few more throughout this post. You can see my affiliate disclaimer here.}

3. Encourages creativity

When buying gifts for your nieces and nephews, make sure you look for an “active” gift. The design sketch portfolio above is a good example, because it gets them to think and design. Building sets, crafts supplies, and nature journals are other good choices. Passive entertainment is fine, but if you want to be the cool aunt, go for the gift that helps them discover new things about themselves.

So you’re looking for a reasonably priced gift that sparks their interests and encourages them to think, design, and create. It’s a tall order, but it’s worth the effort. Below are a few of my best sources for finding a gift that meets those criteria.

Gift-Buying Resources

If you’re not sure where to start, here are a few tried and true Cool Aunt gifts:

Science kits

Generally I find most “science kits” to be a little too heavy-handed for my taste. You want something that will help them learn, but you don’t want it to seem like an educational gift. However, if you spend a little time you can find some really fun gifts, such as this Grow ‘n Glow Terrarium. It comes with fast-growing sprouts so your niece or nephew can learn about plant biology in a controlled environment with little to no adult supervision.

Building kits

Once your nibling has developed their fine motor skills, they’ll love building sets. There are so many types to choose from, but one of my favorites is this Marble Run building set.  It’s simple and intuitive, and it teaches kids all about motion, gravity, and design. My brother and I had one when I was little, and we played with it all the time.

If you want something a little more advanced, try the Glow in The Dark Roller Coaster Building Set. It operates on the same principle, but it offers more complexity and a defined theme.

Simpler Toys

My cousins and I had lots of Colorforms to play with when we were kids. And while that company is still around, Melissa & Doug seem to have some of the best “reusable sticker” playsets at the moment. Like this cute little Chipmunk House.

These are quiet toys that don’t require a lot of physical energy. They need zero setup; just open the book and start placing your stickers. They’re basically like paper dolls, but more durable and colorful. Because there’s no script or rules to follow, they still encourage plenty of creativity. A puffy sticker playset is perfect for more reserved kids.

Ready to Cement Your Status as The Cool Aunt?

Based on my experience, if you follow these guidelines when buying gifts for your nieces and nephews (or cousins, little sibs, etc), you’ll quickly get a reputation for giving the best gifts. And that’s important because kids need to know that there’s someone paying close attention to them. Parents get overwhelmed, especially when they have multiple kids. Holidays and birthdays are your chance to tell your nibling, “I get you, kid.”

Was this a helpful list? Were there any good tips I left out? Let me know in the comments below.

All images are provided by Kaboompics.