Now that I’ve reached the big 3-0, maybe people will begin to see me as a childless woman, rather than a woman who simply hasn’t realized she wants kids yet.

I don’t dislike kids. I get along with most kids very well. I’ve simply decided not to raise them. But this decision has perplexed some people.

For a while, they could come up with excuses for me. At 25, I was ‘still young,’ in a new relationship, and simply hadn’t settled down enough to realize my inner, procreative desires. At 28, I was at the age where I should have come to terms with my biological urges, but somehow still hadn’t. How could a uterus-bearer not be trying to get pregnant?

It’s as though children are iPads, and if you don’t want something that trendy and fun, you’re off your rocker.

But even if children were iPads, an iPad just doesn’t fit into everyone’s life. Believe it or not, some people have different desires than other people. To those women who just can’t understand how someone with a womb could possibly not have, at the core of her very soul, a burning desire to make a baby, I say this: just because you feel a certain way does not mean that all women feel that way. We don’t share a hive mind. The whole thing seems very similar to me as a straight man saying, “I just can’t understand how a dude would want to sleep with another dude. I could never, ever want that.” Well, of course. But isn’t that’s how many a gay man would feel about sleeping with a woman?

Just because you feel a certain way doesn’t mean everyone else does.

And the fact that not everyone wants what you want doesn’t make you wrong. It makes you an individual. And that’s okay. Did you have children just to prove me wrong? No, of course not. Likewise, I did not abstain from child-rearing to prove you wrong.

I did it because I’m a free woman living in 2016, and I had the choice.

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Are childfree people selfish? This belief seems to be widely accepted, even though there’s not much evidence for it. The idea that not having kids makes you a bad person is harmful, and not just to childfree people. I believe it could sway people who don’t truly want kids to have them, and that doesn’t help anyone.

Childfree Myth #1: Not having children is selfish, so having children is unselfish.

The idea that parents are unselfish simply because they have kids is pretty nonsensical. Some parents are genuinely selfless people, but popping out or adopting a baby doesn’t make them so.

If we look at this realistically, people sometimes have very selfish reasons for having children. Reasons like, “I want to be a mom,” or “I just love kids,” are fine and good, if you can—and do—take care of your children. You might say the selfishness of having kids for your own sake is cancelled out by the selflessness of actually providing for them. Then of course there are the more obviously selfish reasons, such as “It’ll help my marriage,” or, of course, “He’ll marry me/stop cheating on me if I get pregnant.” I don’t think I need to elaborate on why these are terrible reasons to have children.

Having children doesn’t make someone a good or selfless person, so choosing not to have kids doesn’t automatically make someone selfish.

Childfree Myth #2: Childfree people are selfish for acknowledging their limits.

Once, in my church-going days, I listened to a pastor’s sermon on birth control. At the end of his sermon, during which he noted that that children are sometimes a blessing (Proverbs 17:6) and sometimes not (Luke 23:29), he said “It’s alright to use contraceptives, as long as you don’t do so for selfish reasons.”

It’s a reasonable statement, but his idea of “selfish reasons” is not my own.

If someone doesn’t want the “bother” of having a child, that’s exactly the sort of person who shouldn’t have a child. That’s not selfishness, that’s responsibility. It’s important for young couples to see that having a child isn’t all about attention, cute clothes, and sweet-smelling baby. We should applaud people who realize that being a parent is a vocation, a full-time, lifetime, till-death-do-us-part commitment, and can acknowledge that they’re not up for that challenge.

Praise the childfree people who choose not to have kids at least as much as you condemn neglectful parents.

Childfree Myth #3: Childfree people are selfish for spending their money on themselves

I’ll be the first one to say that it’s important to spend money responsibly and consider the needs of others, both within one’s own community and outside of it. I think a lot of Americans over-consume. But I also think we should be avoid the allure of martyrdom whenever possible.

Clearly, if a parent regularly leaves their child to go clubbing, globe-trotting, or vacationing, they’re probably exhibiting selfish behavior. Likewise, it’s selfish for a parent to buy new clothes and electronics without providing for the needs of their child. But that doesn’t mean that parents don’t deserve to have fun or nice things. The financial strain that comes from having children can require parents to go without, but it shouldn’t.

For childfree people, going clubbing and globe-trotting is not selfish. I’m not saying it’s wrong to criticize over-consumption and reckless spending. I’m simply saying you can’t neglect a child you don’t have.

So, if you’ve been worried that choosing not to have kids makes you selfish, you can relax. Choosing the childfree lifestyle is often a responsible decision. If you’d like to learn more about how you can create a fulfilling life as a childfree person, including giving back to your community, check out my series on How to Have a Meaningful Life Without Kids.

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Who is the cool aunt?

Lots of families have one. You may have had one growing up. That one, childless aunt who always gave the best presents. The one who, in contrast to all the other grown ups, paid attention to what you were saying and listened to your side in a dispute. The one whose life you wanted to have when you got big.

This is the cool aunt, and now that you’re grown and childfree, that can be you. How? It’s actually pretty easy.

Step 1: Pay attention.

This is the most important step in being The Cool Aunt. It means you know what your nieces/nephews are interested in and what’s going on in their lives. Parents tend to have, for better or worse, pretty fixed ideas regarding their child’s likes and dislikes, as well as the motives for their actions. You, on the other hand, claim no control over your niece/nephew, and no responsibility, so you can listen without ego or bias.

Step 2: Apply the resulting knowledge toward gift-giving.

What makes the cool aunt’s gifts so cool isn’t the amount of money she spends. It’s about how well she knows her niece or nephew. Don’t try to compete with their parent for greatest number of gifts, and don’t buy them that expensive electronic device they’ve been dropping hints about. That’s in the parent/grandparent sphere.

Instead, look for something unusual that caters to their interests. Maybe your niece has a peculiar interest in furniture. Buy her an interior design drawing book. Or your little cousin has a real fascination with the planets. Buy him the original Cosmos series on DVD.

Why we all need a cool aunt.

This is what makes you the cool aunt. You know and encourage your young family members’ interests. Even the interests that seem strange for a child, and especially the ones their parent dismiss as silly. Because you aren’t their mom, you haven’t fallen into the habit of assuming you know them. You can still see things from their point of view. To a child in a world of busy and bothered adults, your interest in them is priceless.

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