If some all-knowing seer told you with certainty that you would be single for the rest of your life, how would you style that future?

How Will You Spend Your Single Future?

Imagine how freeing this knowledge would be. It would put you in total control of your destiny; you wouldn’t wait or plan your future around anyone else. Never again would you pause in some flight of excitement to think, “well, but how will this affect my chances of getting married?” or “but I couldn’t do that if I had a family, could I?” Because it wouldn’t matter.

If you knew you would stay single, would you…

• Start on the career of your dreams?
• Buy the house you’ve fantasized about?
• Make clearer plans for your future?
• Travel?
• Start designing an inspiring solo life?

An Unclear Future is a Tether

So many women live their lives in a state of suspended animation while waiting for a spouse. They don’t want to make any decisions that might close the door on the knight in shining armor, or make any major life changes that the future mystery lover might not like.

This sort of ‘planning’ is foolish. Crafting a tentative future around a shadowed, mystery future does nothing to help that future materialize. All it does is keep your life on pause.

The Benefits of Planning on Spinsterhood

What’s the better option? Instead of juggling a handful of possible futures (“Will I get married? Will I have children? Will I work? Will I be a stay-at-home mom?”), just plan your life around your dear old self. The only aspect of your future that’s certain is that you will be there.

Planning your future around the assumption you’ll stay single isn’t giving up. It’s taking control. Planning for spinsterhood means planning a life that works for you.

Stefanie O’Connell makes a compelling case for planning your financial future as a single woman. Her argument is that the future is uncertain, so you’ve simply got to plan to care for yourself. A lot of the same reasoning applies here. If you plan for a single future, you plan for self-sufficiency. This type of self reliance will not only keep you covered if you do remain single, but it will keep you from ‘settling’ in desperation.

Planning on Spinsterhood =/= Taking a Vow of Spinsterhood

If you’re not convinced, consider this: planning on a solo life does absolutely nothing to prevent you from getting married later on. Being emotionally and financially set as a single woman won’t inhibit you from finding a partner. But being dependent will limit your choices.

And, after all, what do you find more attractive? Someone living an indeterminate life, or someone out in the world living their dream? Whose life would you want to merge with?

In the end, you are the hero of your story. You’ve got to make the decisions that will shape your life.

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Shh, don’t spill the beans, but single women are actually, secretly, living the life.

Well, not all of us. Some of us are married women deep down who just haven’t found their husbands (or properly wrangled their boyfriends). That segment of the single population is trying to live the married life in a single status, and that’s usually a recipe for unhappiness. But for all of the intentionally single women, life can be amazing.

So if you’re a single lady and you aren’t enjoying yourself, it’s time to start really living the single life. How? I’m glad you asked.

1. Adopt a pet.

No, it doesn’t have to be a cat (but really, why wouldn’t you want a cat?). Rescuing a pet from a shelter is an incredibly rewarding experience. Yes, they’re messy, costly, and time-consuming, but the cost-benefit ratio is generally pretty high. You may not want a hoard of screaming kids or a nagging spouse, but it can be nice to come home to a warm, furry critter who wants nothing more from life than a bowl of food and a tummy rub.

2. Keep your home (relatively) clean.

This isn’t to please your mother or impress your neighbors, it’s to keep your home an enjoyable place to be. When you live by yourself, you reign in your own castle. Piles of dirty dishes and unfolded laundry kind of diminish that. Make your home a sanctuary by keeping it as pristine as possible.

3. Play music you enjoy.

You want to know one of the best things about living alone? You can listen to whatever you want, whenever you want (as long as it’s not loud enough to annoy the neighbors). Remember what I said about your home being your castle? Strike up the chamber orchestra as you do your daily chores. You’ll be amazed at home much more comforting your home becomes.

4. Eat your favorite foods.

I knew a woman once who lived by herself, but still felt compelled to eat the traditional breakfast and dinner foods she was raised with, even though she didn’t really like them. Why? It wasn’t an issue of money or nutrition, she simply felt like she was supposed to.

Don’t let that be you. You are your own boss when it comes to meals, so eat whatever you want (as long as it won’t send you to an early grave).

5. Drink your favorite drinks.

This includes wine all by your lonesome or Mondo Blast Chillers if that’s your thing. Nothing is ‘for kids’ or only for certain social occasions. So what if your roommate thinks it’s strange? You don’t have to work around anyone else’s tastes, so just work with your own. While you’re at it, drink right from the carton. Because you can.

6. Respect your time.

If you don’t respect your own time, no one else will. So if your boss tries to tell you that you can work late, “Because it’s not like you have anyone waiting for you,” tell them that you had plans anyway. (Unless you want to work late and get that extra pay – that’s up to you.) Contrary to popular belief, being single doesn’t mean you’re available for everyone else’s convenience.

7. Decorate your home

This goes back again to your home being your castle. If there’s one thing single, childfree women do that gets on my nerves, it’s staring longingly at Pinterest, gazing at nurseries, playrooms, or even kitchens and thinking, “If only I could do that.”

Hello? You can. If you live alone, you don’t even need to get anyone’s permission. If you like the toy display, dig out your old stuffed animals and make the toy display. If you like the 50s kitchen theme, do it. It’s not actually 1950, so you don’t need to cook for a husband to have a nice kitchen.

8. Have a hobby.

I’m all in favor of getting home and turning on Netflix, but without the familial responsibilities that married women and moms have, it’s easy to spend the entire night wrapped up in a Dr. Who marathon. Use some of that extra time to work on a new skill or craft. Take up an instrument. Start a garden. Give yourself more variety on your after-work hours, and you’ll probably enjoy life a lot more.

9. Volunteer.

Not to sound preachy, but we single women should be putting some of that free time toward improving the lives of others. You’ve already done well by not popping out more babies, but the babies irresponsible parents already dropped off still need help. Consider sharing your time with a disadvantaged girl through Big Brothers Big Sisters, or doing something less long-term like volunteering at a soup kitchen. Truth be told, we have the time that moms and married women don’t, as well as a social obligation to contribute.

10. Date only if you feel like it.

And finally, one of the most important things for a single women to do is to only date if she wants to. If you do want to go out, great! It’s not too difficult to have some enjoyable relationships once you say, “I’m not looking to get married,” so have fun. But if that’s not what you’re looking for, don’t let anyone pressure you into it. You’re single because you want to be, and if anyone thinks you’re lying or tries to hook you up, just thank them for the effort and carry on.

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Why drinking alone is perfectly fine.

We all know the sad image of the lone woman arriving home to an empty house after work. She pets her cat(s), microwaves a meal, and spends the rest of the evening watching TV all by her poor, lonely self. She has dozens of take out menus, no friends’ numbers on speed dial, and the only person she talks to regularly is her mother (who, incidentally, wants to know when she’s going to get married and have kids). Poor, sad woman.

The only thing sadder is when the deluded soul thinks she’s actually happy. How she needs someone to show up in her life who’ll show her that there’s more to living than just being alive.

And on, and on.

The only real problem with this image is that for some women, that’s exactly what an ideal life looks like. The introverted woman doesn’t secretly crave society. Secretly, she’s delighted to come home to a blissfully empty house, her favorite food, and her favorite show. She’s had to tolerate loud, complaining people all day long, and doesn’t want to muster the energy to go out drinking.

The friends who nag her to come out with them have her best interests at heart, but they just don’t understand that relaxing and social interaction are completely antithetical to her. While they’re bored and saddened by silence, she’s renewed by it. While they’re energized by a night at the club, it drains her to her core.

So where did this image of the sad, lonely woman come from? Why is it that a solitary woman sipping wine in front of Netflix is a pathetic sight? Did extroverts invent it? Is it a by-product of the patriarchy?

Well, probably a little of both. When we grow up with the idea that being popular and in a good marriage are the best ways to be happy, anyone not in those situations is bound to be seen by most as unhappy. And most people don’t like to see others unhappy.

But here’s the thing. We’re not unhappy. We love our own company. We love creating in solitude, and we love the few, close friendships we have. And – truth be told – we love our cats. For some, living (and drinking) alone isn’t a wretched existence we pretend to enjoy to avoid pity. It’s an ideal existence that we genuinely delight in. And in all likelihood we wouldn’t enjoy being married with kids. That would be the wretched existence we’d have to pretend to enjoy to avoid public scorn.

So don’t pity the single, introverted woman. Just say hello in a passing text message, then leave her to enjoy her day.

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If there’s one great secret wonder of being a spinster, it’s this:

You can do whatever you want, whenever you want. And I’m not just talking about sex on the kitchen floor.

Most of my friends talk about what they would do if they had a child, or if they had a girl, or if they had a game room, of if they had a wedding. You know how it goes.

“Oh! If I had a little girl, I could buy her that.”

“When I get pregnant, I have so many ideas for a nursery.”

“My dream wedding board has 300 pins… one day I’ll be able to make them all happen.”

Ladies (and gentlemen), you can wait if you want to, but you don’t have to. That’s right, folks. Open up that Pinterest board and get to work.

How Is That Supposed to Work?

What’s that? But you have no baby or soon-to-be husband? My dear friend, you’ve bought into one of the silliest myths of our human culture. Here is the truth:

You don’t need the excuses you’ve been waiting for. You have been laboring under the delusion that you need to

• find the right husband/partner/sperm donor
• give birth
• donate the next 18-26 years of your life to feeding, clothing, and raising another human being

just to decorate the spare bedroom in a Where The Wild Things Are theme. These beliefs are false, and the truth shall surely set you free.

Go. Go and re-make your bedroom in a Where The Wild Things Are theme. I know you saw that nursery online and thought it was the coolest thing ever. I give you permission to give that bedroom to yourself. You deserve it. If it’s the bedroom you wish you’d had as a kid, give it to yourself now. Because here’s another secret truth: Your one-day kid might not love what you love. And you can only force them to wear the clothes you pick out and sleep in the room you designed for so long. Murphy’s law clearly states that any woman who spends years longing for a baby girl so she can buy her pretty dresses, will undoubtedly give birth to a tom boy who would rather have her teeth cleaned than put on a skirt. So just give what you love to yourself. You are allowed.

No, Seriously. How Is This Really Going to Work?

But what about my dream wedding? you say. Are you telling me to rent a venue, buy a gown, do the decorations, invitations, and walk down the aisle by myself?

Not exactly, but close. I know how it is. You love that Enchanted Forest wedding theme. There are so many great ideas you have for it. The decor, the food, the lighting It’s going to be amazing.

But here are a few things to consider.

• Most women say they remember very little about their wedding day.
• You are going to be so stressed out that day.
• Oh, and you aren’t getting married any time soon.

Abandon your visions of dancing through the day with your heart full of love, surrounded by your dearest friends, saying your loving goodbyes to girlhood and joyfully stepping into holy matrimony. The reality? Your maid of honor bought brandy sniffers instead of champagne flutes, and for no explicable reason you’re cramping, and even though you thought it would be sweet that your bff has to help you pee due to your wedding dress, it’s really just awkward and annoying. None of this would really be that bad except that it’s your wedding day, and you’ve waited years, and you only get one, so everything really needs to go absolutely perfectly.

Want to take the pressure off? Have a birthday party.

Are You Really Serious?

I am as serious as a Sunday morning sermon. You’re a grown up! You can finally plan your own birthday parties (or any parties). Pop that Enchanted Forest theme onto your birthday and actually enjoy it. There is no rule that states adult birthday parties have to be boring and alcohol-saturated.

And there’s no need to settle on just one. Do something different every year. Your guests will have much more fun, and you can still get presents. Heck, give yourself a gift registry at Kohl’s.

Spinsters, you can do this. Buy yourself pretty dresses, and wear them wherever the hell you want. Or, if you don’t like the attention of wearing a frilly dress to Home Depot, go have Tea in a fancy restaurant.

Let go of your excuses, and don’t pin your dreams on someone else. It’s not fair to them or you.

Stop waiting. Just go out and enjoy.

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