Tired of reading self-mocking posts about how to best show your single-based, alcohol-drenched misery in the trendiest way? Interested in learning how you can actually enjoy Valentine’s day as a single woman? Read on…

1. Don’t Be S.A.D.

I’m still not entirely sure whether “Single’s Awareness Day” is a full joke or only a partial joke. Either way, its humor is self-effacing. Which is fine, sometimes. But listen. Being single isn’t an illness or disability, and it’s nothing to be S.A.D about. So ditch any invitations that include that lonesome title. Positive mindset, you know?

2. Take a Close Look at Valentine’s Day

I’ve honestly never liked this holiday, no matter what my relationship status was. It’s gaudy, tacky, and all that hot pink is kind of garish. The gifts are contrived, the expectations artificial, and as a result, the actions are pretty meaningless. True, some couples make a serious effort to inject some meaning into the greeting card holiday. But just ask yourself… what are you really missing out on from this particular holiday?

3. Make Plans

The most important thing you need to do is make some plans for February 14th. No matter what those plans are, know ahead of time what you’re doing. Having a few up-in-the-air ideas isn’t going to cut it; you’ll find you’re just not in the mood and end up slouched in front of the computer doing nothing in particular.

Whether you go out, stay in, hang with friends, or fly solo – make sure you’ve got a plan.

4. Record Your Thoughts

Part of why we don’t like going out alone is because we have no one to talk to. It feels lonely to get excited, have a revelation, or make an observation then have no way to share it. So this Valentine’s day, pick a way to share your thoughts.

If You’re Going Out: Let’s say you’re taking a trip to the aquarium. Record your self-guided tour and post the video on Youtube.

If You’re Staying In: Watching a movie? Write up a review, or use an app like Stardust to share your reactions.

There are plenty of people who want to hear your opinions, ideas, and responses to your experiences; the fact that they’re not physically present is no reason to deny them.

5. Forget the Heart-Shaped Box

Get yourself a treat, but don’t fall back on buying yourself chocolates in a heart-shaped box. Treat yourself to your favorite type of candy instead. Has it been years since you’ve had some Swedish Fish? Have you always loved candy dots? Instead of taking part in the empty Valentine’s ritual, give yourself something that will make you happy.

6. Don’t Fake It

If you aren’t happy about being single, don’t pretend you are. It’s okay to miss being in a relationship. What’s not okay is using your single status as an excuse to waste a perfectly good night rolling around in piles of your own self-pity. Because here’s a tip: if you can’t enjoy your own company, you’ll never be much good in a relationship.

So drop the bravado, drop the sad self-indulgence, and just enjoy the night.

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Living alone can be an empowering, exciting time in anyone’s life. If you aren’t loving your solo living situation, or if you’re dreading the day when you’ll move out on your own, this article was written for you.

How to Love Living Alone

It’s actually pretty simple to transform your outlook on your solo living situation. Just follow these few, simple steps…

1. Personalize Your Surroundings

It doesn’t matter whether you have a 6-month lease or a 40-year mortgage; if you want to love living alone, you’ve got to personalize your space. This step is so important that I wrote a mini eBook on the very topic: A Single Woman’s Guide to Creating Your Future Home Now.

It’s completely free, so go ahead and download it now!

2. Fall in Love with Your Space

Instead of wallowing in your ability to sit in the same set of jammies for days on end, take some genuine joy in your freedom to truly relax. Living alone is an opportunity that may never come your way again. If you get married or move in with someone in the future, no matter how happy you are, I guarantee you will look back on your solo life with fondness. So treat your bachelorette pad with all the love your future self will wish you had.

3. Find Your Comfort Level

One thing extroverted people often dislike about living alone is all the energy-sapping solitude. So if this is you, invite people over! Living alone doesn’t mean being alone at all times. Be proud of your home. Host get-togethers to show it off.

And of course, if you’re introverted, soak up the beautiful, restorative solitude.

4. Take Inspiration

Yaoyao Ma Van As has a beautiful series of illustrations depicting the happy life of a woman living alone. Check it out!

Final Notes

At the end of the day, when you walk into your solo home, you should feel like a warrior queen returning to your own castle after a long battle. This is your space. Even if you’re renting, you are the sole owner of all that’s within those walls. In the wide world we share, this space is dedicated entirely to you. What’s not to love?

You’re a forward-thinking woman. You don’t let society’s customs dictate the way you live your life. So why should you worry about dressing up every day?

For most of my adult life, I’ve worked in service jobs that required a uniform. Sometimes the uniform was stupid-looking and uncomfortable. Sometimes not. Sometimes it was covered in chicken grease by the end of the day. Sometimes not. But no matter how I felt in a given uniform, on my days off, I was dressing the heck up.

As a former goth girl (and current ‘casual goth’ woman), I couldn’t wait to layer on the eyeshadow and don my very stylish, alternative, black clothes. I had only one or two days a week when I could dress as I wished, and you bet I made it count.

Professional vs. PJs

When I started working at home as a full time copywriter, however, I got a bit lazier. Though most of the time I did put clothes on (as opposed to sitting around in my jammies), I rarely put on any makeup. Or shoes. Or socks.

During this time, I always felt worried, like I was biting off more than I could chew. I felt like I was a mess, and no one should really be trusting me with their brand. This was despite holding a 4-year degree in writing, having years of experience, and a portfolio full of successes. Contrast this to my first weeks on the job as a bank teller. I had never worked in a bank (or anything similar) before in my life. There was really no reason I should have felt so confident. And yet I was. I felt in control again, as I had felt at previous jobs – with both high and low responsibility levels.

How Can Clothes Make Such a Difference?

Obviously I can’t place the entire answer on my clothes. But knowing what I do now, I am certain that that was a very large part of it. I didn’t feel like I was a pro at what I was doing (even though I was), largley because I didn’t even bother to look the part. When I started working at the bank, I bought a whole new wardrobe of professional attire, and wore it every day. Though I had no experience, I knew it was a job I’d be good at. And dressed to look the part, I felt good at it too.

Imogene Lamport, of Inside Out Style, has an excellent article explaining the effect clothes have on how we feel and behave, and I highly recommend it. (Click here to read her post: Why You Should Dress Well.) The jist of it is this: dressing well has a measurable psychological affect on us. Dressing ‘smart’ can make us not just feel smarter, but actually perform better. When what you wear on the outside matches who you are on the inside, you’re simply going to be a more confident person.

And let me be clear; dressing up doesn’t mean the same thing for everyone. It doesn’t even need to mean the same thing every day. If you’re not into makeup, don’t do makeup. If you love some goth girl clothes, wear those on your weekends. Just make sure you put time and effort into getting dressed. Above all, make sure you’re dressing like the person you are or want to be.

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Say what you will about Valentine’s Day; New Year’s Eve is the true couple’s night. So how can you be happy when you’re spending the night alone?

New Year’s Eve in Pop Culture

Quick – name a New Year’s movie where the couple doesn’t get together at the end. For that matter, name a single New Year’s movie without a happy couple in it at all.

Come up with anything? (Actually, if you did, please let me know in the comments. I want to watch it!)

My point is, ringing in the New Year has become a quintessential couple’s activity. It’s seen in every New Year’s movie, implied in every song, and wrapped up in every tradition. If you’re not kissing your beau when the ball drops, you’re at least supposed to be wishing you were.

Despite personally being in a long term, living-apart-together relationship, my significant other and I have never spent a New Year’s Eve together. Even so, spending this night alone isn’t something I feel sad about. And it never was. I never look for a New Year’s party to attend. In fact, after attending one with a friend, I now politely decline any invitations. The personal belief I’ve come to is this: If you’re looking for truly meaningful night, spend New Year’s Eve alone.

My Single New Year’s Eve

For me, New Year’s Eve is less a time for loud celebration than it is a chance to be still and reflect upon the passing year.

Over the years, I’ve developed a few rituals that help me make the most out of this special night. In contrast to the loud and bubbly party in Times Square, I like my New Year’s to be more subdued. I shut off the lights, light a candle or two, and do the following:

1. I create a playlist.

Every year I create a New Year’s playlist. This collection usually features a lot of quiet, somber songs. Some are straight up tear-jerkers. Now I know I just said that being alone on New Year’s doesn’t have to be sad, but I think some sincere reflection is bound to be tinged with sadness. And as we all learned from Pixar’s Inside Out, sadness doesn’t have to be a negative thing. After a long, hard year, a quasi-mournful playlist is beautifully cathartic.

The thing is, the emotional ache my playlist inspires doesn’t originate from feelings of loneliness or inadequacy. It comes from a deep realization that we are beings that exist in a temporal world, in which we can only travel forward. It comes from a profound (but not frightened) understanding that we are mortal. From the much-needed release of every negative thing that happened over the past year.

(For those of you saying, “Wait, wasn’t this supposed to be a guide on how to have a happy, solo New Year’s Eve?” don’t worry. Step one was simply saying goodbye to the old. And goodbyes are always a little bit sad.)

2. I watch a movie.

What better way to stay up late than with a classic movie? Films like It’s A Wonderful Life help me say goodbye to all things past, and to look toward the future with optimism. Others would include Interstellar, The Shawshank Redemption, Wristcutters: A Love Story, and Monsters (2010), to name a few.

These are movies that take me through a range of emotion, but that end on an uplifting – even inspiring – note.

3. I lay plans for the future.

If the old year has been rough, it can be difficult to look forward to the new. That’s why I watch an inspiring movie after listening to my sad playlist. But the best way to get genuinely excited for what this new future holds is to create a plan for it.

Obviously you can’t map out every little detail of your life, but I’m continually amazed by the power of having a plan. I start by asking myself what I want to achieve in the upcoming year, and then writing down the answers. I can’t stress this enough: write it all down.

HomeSpunSeasonalLiving has an excellent guide to creating New Year’s goals. Check it out!

Why Does This Work for Me?

Everyone has their own thing. My New Year’s practice might not float your boat. But I prefer it to the loud, noisy, social party we’re told to go enjoy.

New Year’s Eve is the perfect time for some low-key meditation and conscious reflection of the past year. Candles glowing, playlist playing, and scenes from a hope-filled movie in my head, I allow myself to feel all that the past year has brought, and all that I hope for the New Year.

I practiced this tradition when I lived with roommates, and still do now that I live alone. If I ever live with someone again, I believe I’ll still spend my New Year’s Eves alone. Reflection of this nature needs to be done in solitude. The bright distractions are fine, but nothing quite ties up the loose threads of the old year, and welcomes the potential of the new like thoughtful solitude.

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Why do so many religions encourage celibacy as an aid for attaining spiritual enlightenment?

An Overview of Singleness and Celibacy in Religion

Before we tackle that question, let’s take a quick glance at celibacy and the unmarried status in some of the world’s major religions.

• The ancient religions of Judaism and Islam discourage total celibacy.
• Hindu monks and nuns are single and celibate, but priests may marry.
• Catholicism requires monks and nuns, as well as most clergy to be single and celibate.
• Though it varies in modern day, traditional Buddhism requires monks and nuns to be single and celibate.

Though many Protestant Christian sects encourage traditional (and often large) families among clergy, the religion’s foundational texts appreciate singleness and celibacy. The Apostle Paul openly says he wishes all to be single like him, and only accepts marriage as an alternative to unchecked lust.

Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband.

1 Corinthians, 7:1-2

So why do so many religions, both originally and in modern day, encourage this single/celibate lifestyle among their monks, nuns, and even clergy?

Spiritual Awakening vs. Religious Practice and Beliefs

At this point, it’s important to talk about the difference between people who are followers of a particular religion and those who are trying to attain spiritual enlightenment through that religion. Monks and nuns of various religions devote themselves to a deeper, more meaningful understanding of their higher power than lay people following their same religion.

With few exceptions (the Shakers, for example), religions don’t typically require that level of devotion from all members. That’s why one can be a practicing Buddhist or Catholic without being single and celibate. So with that knowledge we can ask, how do singleness and celibacy contribute to a more profound connection to the divine?

Maybe we should start by looking at how romantic/sexual relationships can detract from that connection.

The Psychological and Emotional Drain of Relationships

There’s no doubt about it: being in a relationship takes a lot of mental and emotional energy. Myiam Batik stated in a Youtube video that one of the reasons she personally couldn’t imagine being in an open relationship was that a relationship with just one partner takes an incredible amount effort.

“I get exhausted dating one person and trying to carve out times for my kids’ needs and my own self care. How does adding another person get managed?”

– Mayim Bialik

(see also Myiam’s follow-up video: I Was Wrong About Open Relationships)

The Dalai Lama has also referenced the psychological labor involved in relationships. When asked if he ever felt tempted, he replied, “Oh yes, sometimes [I] see people. But then [I’m] thinking, it’s a real job. Too much problem.”

If one is in a happy relationship, the benefits may outweigh the high emotional cost. But for one seeking a spiritual awakening, diverting so much energy can make progress slow.

Distraction

Beyond the emotional stamina required, having a partner simply takes a lot of time out of one’s day. And often, one’s partner is going to take precedence over one’s spiritual growth.

Imagine trying to have a deep conversation with a friend when a child continually interrupts you. You have to turn your attention away from your friend each time and tend to the needs of the child. This constant distraction makes having any lengthy or meaningful interaction with your friend impossible. That’s what it’s like trying to attain a state of deep connection with your higher power when you’re in a relationship with another person. If that other person is your priority, it’s fine. But if your goal is to achieve enlightenment, that’s going to hold you back.

Singleness, Solitude, and Spiritual Freedom

Considering all this, the relationship between singleness (and/or celibacy) and spirituality is clear. Monks, nuns, and others seeking spiritual enlightenment avoid romantic relationships because they’re draining and distracting. This is also why monasteries often include hermitages, and monks’ cells are solitary.

So, to answer the question we started with, why do so many religions encourage celibacy as an aid for attaining spiritual enlightenment? Because pure, genuine solitude allows the spiritual student to focus all of their energy on their connection to the divine.

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The crossroads of singleness, celibacy, and spirituality provide so much more material for discussion. This one blog post has only scratched the surface. Are you interested in further discussion on this topic? Let me know in the comments.

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