Single Living Archives - The American Spinster

The Truth About Relationships and Expectations | For Single Women

Relationships end for all kinds of reasons, but feeling unloved and disappointed are two of the biggest factors. Learn how to set healthy relationship expectations by seeing your relationships as assignments.

How Wrong Expectations End Relationships

All of our disappointments, disillusionment, and much of our suffering comes from our expectations. That’s especially true for relationships. When a romance doesn’t work out, it’s often – fundamentally – because one or both partners didn’t meet the other’s relationship expectations.

“He didn’t express his love often enough.”

“She wasn’t there for me when I needed her.”

“They didn’t support my interests.”

We had expectations (for showing love, providing companionship, and offering support) that weren’t met.

The idea isn’t to lower your expectations or accept genuinely hurtful behavior. It’s simply to change the way you think about relationships and what they’re ‘supposed to’ provide.

Because I so highly recommend these books, I have included affiliate links on this page. Please read The American Spinster’s affiliate links disclosure here.

Relationships Are Assignments

In her book, Spirit Junkie, Gabrielle Bernstein explains that relationships are assignments from God/the universe. She writes, “I quickly learned that each relationship we enter into offers us two options: to show up as two separate people looking for completion in one another; or to show up as two whole people coming together to enjoy their wholeness.”

The two-separate-people-looking-to-be-made-whole option makes for compelling romantic storytelling. I love reading and watching relationships like that in books and movies. (“She’s got gaps. I got gaps. Together, we fill gaps.”) But when it comes to living a fulfilling life and creating a sustainable relationship, it’s generally not so effective.

Bernstein goes on to say that, “if we waited until we were fully healed before we started a relationship, we’d put Match.com out of business.” She continues:

Therefore, we have to recognize relationships as assignments that will bring all our neuroses to the table.

Relationships at their best, their most fulfilling, their most holy, are a means by which we can grow and heal ourselves.

Speaking of Match.com, want to learn how to date as a solo woman?

What That Kind of Relationship Is Like

Of course, what that really means is that your ideal partner isn’t the one who will be perfectly supportive as they gently guide you through your issues. That’s a therapist. The ideal partner that God/the universe has in store is someone who will, as Bernstein says, dig up all your shit.

I want to take a moment to make sure I’m perfectly clear about this point. This does not mean your partner should be cruel, abusive, manipulative, or antagonistic. (If you aren’t sure if you’re in an abusive relationship, see PsychCentral’s guide.) It simply means that they’ll probably get under your skin and force you – indirectly and unintentionally – to face your previously hidden issues.

One common example, especially for people who are often single, is, “They don’t really value me.” Here’s what that usually means.

They make jokes that hit too close to home
I have insecurities I don’t want to look at, and their jokes bring those insecurities to the surface.

They don’t pay attention to me
I don’t feel worthwhile unless someone else sees me as worthy of their time.

They don’t respect my boundaries
I’m unwilling to respect or enforce my own boundaries, but I expect others to do that for me.

Again, these can be signs of a problematic partner (see 21 Warning Signs of an Emotionally Abusive Relationship). But we often choose to see them as signs the relationship has gone wrong, rather than signs that we need to address challenges in ourselves.

Why do we do this? It all comes back to our expectations.

Resetting Relationship Expectations

We expect our partners to complete us. Few of us go into a new relationship expecting our partner to be someone who will (often unintentionally) help us complete ourselves.

If you’re planning on getting into a relationship, or if you’re struggling to make the one you’re in work, consider taking the following steps.

Think of your relationship like the hero’s journey. You will face trials. They will seem to be external trials (“my partner does/doesn’t do X”). But they will turn out to be internal trials (“I need to do/stop doing Y”). And when you’ve overcome them, you will be a stronger, more whole, and wiser person.
Read Gabrielle Bernstein’s Spirit Junkie, or The Universe Has Your Back. Both books talk about relationships as assignments.
Read this article if you’re unsure whether your partner is just rubbing you the wrong way, or being mentally/emotionally abusive.

If you choose to get into a relationship, do so with the knowledge that it will not be the answer to anything. Instead, it will be a means of ongoing self-development. It will feel uncomfortable some of the time. Your partner will brush up against your insecurities. And your response will have to be to look your issues in the face and deal with them head-on.

Images provided by Kaboompics

Are you in a living-apart-together relationship? Have you struggled with this issue? Share your experience in the comments below.

Do You Need to Get Married? JAMIEvstheVOID

If you’re a woman over a certain age, you’ve probably heard the question, “When are you two getting married?” Artist JAMIEvstheVOID explains why they don’t feel the need to get married in this brief animated story.

**You Don’t Actually Need to Get Married**

I love the YouTube channel, JAMIEvstheVOID. The animation style and topics Jamie covers are right up my alley. Still, I never imagined watching something that would apply so directly to The American Spinster. So imagine my delight when a few days ago they posted a video all about why the don’t feel the need to get married.

The 14-minute original animated video shows the creator’s very respectful views on marriage, and why they personally don’t see marriage in their future.

I couldn’t agree with you more, Jamie.

If you want to commiserate with another single-by-choice person over the internet or you’re just curious about why anyone wouldn’t want to get married, this video is for you. And if you like original animation, JAMIEvstheVOID’s channel might be for you, too. Be sure to check out their other vids.

Do we really NEED to get married? JAMIEvstheVOID — “Do we really NEED to get married?” JAMIEvstheVOID

Is Your Family Waiting for a Wedding Invitation?

It’s hard for us Millennials and Gen Zs to remember this, but women did need to get married not long ago. While women have had the legal right to work for millennia (that’s where the word ‘spinster’ comes from), most didn’t until recently. Many jobs weren’t available to women. And most women had to choose between motherhood and a career. It was only about 50 years ago that the feminist movement helped women break into the workforce en masse.

That’s why many parents and grandparents still see marriage as a woman’s safety net. Marriage was a financial and social requirement for most of civilized human history. 50 or 60 years just isn’t enough time to erase that.

If you’re dealing with this, think about sharing JAMIEvstheVOID’s video. It might help your friends and family think critically about the need to get married.

Meal Planning for One: Eating Convenient, Budget-Friendly Food

After my last blog on meal planning for one, I challenged myself to continue my solitary food preparation. In this post, I’ll show you how you can make meal times more enjoyable, lower your food bill, and maybe even improve your relationship with food.

Is Meal Planning Worthwhile When You’re Single?

In How to Enjoy Cooking for One, I discussed the challenges and rewards of cooking meals for your solo self. I also admitted that cooking a proper meal for myself was something I struggled with. I don’t have an innate love for cooking or baking, and the preparation and cleanup made it feel like a real waste of time.

In creating that post, I set a goal for myself to make meal planning part of my weekly routine.This meal planning for one challenge did three main things for me:

It made my health and happiness a higher priority.
It helped me actually enjoy eating.
It saved me a ton of money.

My relationship with food has changed for the better, and I’m going to show you how.

Meal Planning Makes Health and Happiness a Priority

Because both my lifestyle choices (vegetarianism) and food sensitivities (lactose intolerance) limit my food options, meal planning takes a fair amount of, well, planning.

In the past, I used to content myself with eating ramen noodles (the prepackaged kind) for lunch and dinner because it was fast, simple, filling, and cheap. And while I don’t think processed ramen noodles are as bad—comparatively—as many believe, they don’t nourish my body or spirit.

Coming up with a variety of meals that I can eat, that are healthy, and that won’t completely break the bank is an ongoing challenge for me. But now it’s a challenge I value.

Eating a delicious meal that won’t make me feel physically or emotionally uncomfortable later is a true joy. I actually get excited about my food now. And, because I’ve prepared it for myself, I feel all of the self-love that went into it.

Past Me: Future Lilli is going to love this.
Me in the morning: Gets packed lunch out of fridge. Omg, this is going to be so good.
Me at work: This is the best lunch I love it.

To me, that’s what self-care and self-love looks like.

Meal Planning Helps Me Enjoy Food

Americans tend to have a lot of issues regarding food. Far more than I would even attempt to get into in this post. Suffice to say that food was an ongoing source of frustration for me for most of my adult life. And at first, my meal planning for one only seemed to add to that.

Cooking food for the week takes time and requires grocery store strategizing. But the payoff is that I get to eat Instagram-worthy food every day without funneling my entire paycheck into the local food cart industry.

Since starting my meal planning challenge, my food is:

Healthy
Visually appealing
Well-proportioned

I’d go so far as to say my meal planning for one strategy is helping me develop a downright healthy relationship with food.

Meal Planning for One Is Less Expensive than the Alternative

I work in a major metropolitan area. I rarely have to walk a full city block to find a food vendor. Cafes and restaurants are also plentiful. It’s tempting to take advantage of these mouth-watering and pocket-emptying options. Fortunately for me, my meal planning for one challenge has paid off financially as well as physically and emotionally.

Even though I’m paying more than I would if I ate nothing but ramen noodle packs, my monthly food bill is nothing compared to what it would be if I were eating from the local food carts.

How to Start Your Own Meal Planning for One Challenge

Are you ready to start prepping your own homemade meals for one? Getting started is easy. All you need to do is take advantage of the abundance of resources on the topic. Then, turn your planning into your reality. To do this…

Visit Pinterest

Follow my Cooking for One Pinterest board. This board includes everything that a solo person needs to know about cooking, whether that means meal planning for one or hosting a dinner party for twenty.

Pick a week

Choose a week in the near future when you’ll put all you’ve learned into action. Decide before you go shopping exactly what you’re going to prepare and what ingredients you’ll need to do it.

Go easy on yourself

If things don’t go well the first time (or any time), cut yourself some slack. Eat out when you don’t have a good lunch or dinner prepared. Just because one week goes badly doesn’t mean meal planning isn’t a challenge worth continuing.

You should also check out my previous blog, How to Enjoy Eating Alone. In it, I address some of the awkwardness associated with eating by yourself.

Did this blog give you some new ideas? Would you like to see more posts on the topic of meal planning for one? Let me know in the comments below.

Images provided by Kaboompics

How to Like Being Single (in 30 days)

Has the New Year found you flying solo again? What if you could learn to like being single? I’ve created a FREE 30-day email course that will help you see your solitary life with new eyes. Take the challenge and change your life by signing up below.

**How Can You Like Being Single?**

Could a 30-day email course really help you change your outlook on the solo life? This one can.

So many “pro-single” sentiments are about making the best of an unfortunate situation. Instagram quotes tell you that you’re still worthwhile, even though you’re single. Facebook posts say you’re just at a higher level than all of your potential partners. And those encouraging tweets insist that God is preparing you for your perfect partner.

What if, instead of learning to keep a stiff upper lip while you endure this ‘single season,’ you could learn to enjoy it? Can you imagine feeling delighted to wake up alone?

What would it be like to like being single?

Will This Course Really Work?

In 30 Days to Love Being Single, I teach you how get genuine joy out of your solo life. Each day you’ll receive a new note in your inbox, providing an insight into the joys, advantages, and opportunities your single life is offering.

Why 30 days? Because if you do something consistently for 30 days, it becomes a habit. And shifting your mindset is all about creating new, healthier habits. Instead of habitually responding to your solo status with negativity, you’ll learn to make a positive, solo outlook your new normal.

3 Things You’ll Love About This Course

I know you’re too busy to waste your time with anything that doesn’t make your life better. That’s why I made sure this course will genuinely help you like being single without taking up too much time.

My 30-day email course is:

1. Short & Sweet

The emails are brief and the challenges typically only require a few minutes of your time. You won’t need to clear your schedule to commit to this course.

2. Encouraging

You won’t find a single line of relationship-bashing sentiment in the course. I’ll never prompt you to look down on coupled people or to see solo people as superior. If you need to put someone else’s life or lifestyle down in order to feel better about yours, you’re going about it all wrong.

My course is all about learning to see the good in your solo life, not picking out the bad in the alternatives.

3. Powerful

The challenges may be small, but their impact is significant. Shifting your mindset so that you like being single can change your life more radically than finding a partner ever could. Don’t believe me? Give it a try.

What’s Holding You Back?

If you’re like I was, you’re probably a little bit afraid that you could actually learn to like being single. Everything in our society tells us that anyone who’s happy alone is self-deceived and pitiable. But I believe it’s only when you can like being single that you can form healthy relationships with others.

Loving your solo life doesn’t mean shutting the door on future romance. The only thing you’ll need to give up when you take this course is the self-pity you feel about being ‘alone.’

Isn’t it time you started loving the life you’ve got? Go ahead: Sign up now.

For more resources on how to like being single, check out my other posts on the topic.

Images are provided by Kaboompics.

New Year’s Resolutions for Single Women

Still single? Here’s how to create New Year’s resolutions that will transform your life in the best possible way.

What Do You Want Most in the New Year?

Full transparency: This blog is not about snagging yourself a partner in the New Year. It’s about setting up some New Year’s resolutions that will help you reach new heights no matter what your relationship status is.

I have to tell you that, because when you see the words “single women” and “New Year’s resolutions” in the same headline, you can usually assume the content is about:

Not letting the old year’s failed relationship(s) get you down
Making yourself more attractive emotionally and intellectually
Teaching yourself not to care about stupid boys anyway

I’ve got something a bit different in mind.

The Best New Year’s Resolutions for Single Women Are…

In this post, I’m going to give you one piece of advice. Pick something–a goal, a dream, a hope–that you imagined accomplishing with another person. This could be something as serious as buying a house or as simple as taking a trip to the beach.

Got it? Now make it your New Year’s resolution to do it on your own.

Don’t wait. Don’t hold yourself back until you find the right person. Give yourself permission–right now–to do it on your own.

Drop Those Excuses Like the Bad Habits They Are

In my own experience, and in the experience of my friends, there are a few really common excuses we come up with for not pursuing these types of dreams alone. The top ones include:

It’s too big to do on my own.

Things like buying a house, starting a business, and moving across the country are pretty massive undertakings. Even going on vacation alone can seem like too much to plan by yourself. But there are two important things to remember:

It’s not too much for you to handle on your own.
You’re not on your own anyway.

You’ve got friends, family, online communities, and an internet full of resources. Don’t make some future partner your excuse for not living your best life right now.

I don’t have the money.

When I was 23, I decided I needed to start dating. At my age and income level, I knew I couldn’t have the home life I wanted alone. I wasn’t looking for a wealthy person to support me. I just wanted someone in my own tax bracket to pool resources with so we could share a better life.

Looking back on that now, I want to shake my former self. That is exactly the kind of thinking that gets people stuck in horrible relationships. I’d seen it all my life, and yet I nearly dove headfirst into it.

Being in a living-apart-together relationship has forced me to become more financially self-sufficient than I ever thought possible. Trust me when I say you can get what you want without hooking up with someone. If you don’t believe me, give it a try.

{Psst! That was an Amazon affiliate link. You can read my affiliate disclosure here.}

I’ll be sad and pathetic if I do it alone.

I admit to making snap judgments about people. Even after years of running The American Spinster, I still fall into the cultural trap of equating solo success with sadness. All my life, I was brought up to believe all success was meaningless without ‘someone to share it with.’ So yeah, some people will certainly think that you are pathetic for vacationing alone.

But odds are they’re also people who either:

Miss out on vacation because they don’t have someone to go with them
Vacation with their family or spouse and argue 60% of the time

You have people in your life who will love to see Instagram posts of you having a blast at the beach. You have friends who will support you in all of your great, big endeavors.

This year can be your year if you just drop your excuses.

Put Forth the Effort. You’ve Got Nothing to Lose.

Remember that big goal? Think about it again. How would it feel to accomplish it? And how much of a confidence boost would it give you to know you did it solo?

Make this year the year you really see what you’re capable of.

What have you been waiting to do? Let me know in the comments, and tell me if you’re going to go for it this year.

All images are provided by Kaboompics.

I’ll Be Home (Alone) for Christmas

Being alone for the holidays is only a sad state of affairs when it’s something you don’t want. Learn how to enjoy your solitary Christmas.

Spending the Holidays Alone?

Being “alone” on Christmas means different things to different people. Maybe to you it means being single. Or maybe it means being separated from your family and loved ones. Whatever your solitary Christmas looks like, I guarantee it doesn’t need to be as bad as you’re fearing.

In this article, I’m going to take a look at the reasons our society pities the person who’s alone on Christmas, and why that pity isn’t always warranted. Then, I’ll look at the ways you can actually enjoy being alone on Christmas day.

The Dreaded Solitary Christmas

Every Christmas movie reinforces the idea, sometimes explicitly, that the worst fate imaginable is to be alone on Christmas. But how bad is it really?

In general, there’s nothing wrong with being alone. The problem is being alone when you don’t want to be. Remember Kevin McCalister’s initial glee at finding his family gone in Home Alone? He was forced to be around his family and wanted nothing more than to be alone. In most holiday films, it’s the opposite. The protagonist is forced to be alone and wants nothing more than to be with the ones they love.

The problem isn’t being alone. It’s not getting the type of Christmas you want. And there’s a simple (but not easy) solution: Want to be alone.

How to Want to Spend Christmas Alone

If you’ve stayed with me this far, you might be thinking, “Yeah, isn’t that like trying to convince yourself you want to be the crazy old cat lady?” I’d say no. Learning to enjoy a solitary Christmas isn’t quite the same as embracing a life of social abandonment.

While researching this article, I came across a blog by Kate Rhodes about her experiment with this very issue. Rhodes, who’s always enjoyed spending the holidays with her family, chose to see what spending Christmas alone was really like.

I recommend you click over and read it, but I’ll summarize. Despite being single, Rhodes realized she’d never really been alone. Between her job and her family, she was always surrounded by people. She writes:

Facing the challenge of a festive season alone would mean that I had become self-reliant, no longer dependent on friends or family to prop me up. The previous Christmas had been a nonstop whirl of drinks, parties and gifts. Now the chance had come to see if I could enjoy the silence of my own company.

Initially, the oppressive silence of her cabin overwhelms her. But she quickly finds a sense of rapture in the solitude and beauty all around her. Though she admits to battling homesickness and self-pity throughout the week, the experiment seemed to be successful. She ends the post by saying:

I left with the discovery I was more independent than I knew, and deciding time alone was something to relish. The experience made me realise carving out peace and quiet should be for life – not just for Christmas.

How would you fair? What if, this year, you were alone on Christmas day intentionally?

Start Planning Your Solitary Christmas

If you’re alone this Christmas, take it as a personal development challenge. As I mentioned in last year’s post about spending New Year’s Eve alone, this can become a meaningful–even spiritual–time for you. You might even miss your solitary Christmas during the cheery, people-filled Christmases of the future.

Consider setting time aside for yourself as you would for family members or a significant other. Really. Block out time in your schedule to do something that brings you joy. Personally, I’m looking forward to snuggling on the couch tonight and watching The San Francisco Ballet’s 2007 Nutcracker DVD. Truthfully, I’ve been looking forward to it for weeks. I love my quiet, solo Christmas Eve that much.

Reflect on the past year. If you’re religious, meditate on what this night means to you. Turn on the tree (or a streaming fireplace video) and let yourself feel content and happy on your solitary Christmas night.

Have you ever enjoyed spending Christmas alone? What was your favorite solitary Christmas? Let me know in the comments below.

The images in this post were provided by Kaboompics.

Hosting a Holiday Party as a Single Woman

You don’t need to have a large, gorgeous home to host an amazing holiday party. Entertaining is possible even in the smallest apartment. Learn all you need to know about hosting a holiday party as a single woman in this article.

Why Host a Holiday Party?

If your family is like mine, Christmas dinner usually takes place at the grandparents’ house, or the home of the sibling with the largest home. Your friends are probably going home to see their families. And, if you’re single and childfree, you might have a tough time getting any time off around the holidays. But none of that means you can’t host an awesome holiday party.

For the last three years, I’ve hosted Christmas dinner for my family in my apartment. I’ve learned quite a lot about hosting fun-filled parties in a small space, thanks to a lot of trial and error. Luckily, you can avoid some of the error by reading this blog.

Preparing Your Home for Guests

If you have a large, comfortable home, all you’ll really need to do is tidy up and decorate. If you live in a smaller space, such as an apartment, your main concern will be fitting everyone into one room comfortably.

This usually involves picking the largest room (the living/dining area for me) and turning it into an eat-in parlor. You may have to:

Rearrange furniture: This includes moving chairs, the table and sometimes even a sofa into the largest room.
Borrow or buy furniture: I don’t own enough chairs to seat my guests, so it’s off to Habitat for Humanity for me.
Do your decorating there: I set up my tree in my small, spare room, but I’ll move it into the living area so my guests can enjoy it.

This is usually the most work-intensive part for me, but it’s worth it to make sure my family feels relaxed and comfortable.

In the past, I’ve tried hosting a holiday party over two rooms. I arranged the living/dining area for dinner and my spare room for presents. This could work, if both rooms are equally spacious and comfortable. But all my good seating was in the dining room. If you’re in a small apartment, I don’t recommend it.

3 Rules for Hosting a Holiday Party

If you’ve planned things well and you like to play the hostess, this is the fun part. Your hosting skills will make or break your party. Based on my experience, there are just three major tricks to making sure your party goes smoothly.

1. Outsource

Don’t try to do everything yourself. This tip applies to every host who doesn’t have an assistant. But as solo women, we tend to feel the need to prove we can do it all our own. Trust me, you don’t.

Good hosts delegate and outsource to make sure they can take care of their primary job, which is keeping guests happy. Buy the dessert. Order a pre-cooked main course. Ask someone else to show up early to fold the napkins. If you try to do too much on your own, you’ll end up feeling frustrated and overwhelmed. And you probably won’t end up with a lovely spread and a picture-perfect party anyway.

2. Plan, plan, plan

I can’t stress this one enough. When you preparing a meal and entertainment for a group of people during a particular time, preparation is everything. Make a time chart for your cooking. Know when each item needs to go into the oven, how everything needs to be stored and where every dish is going to go. Set up a schedule and stick to it.

Lifehacker recommends Tom’s Planner dinner charts to help you stay organized on the big day.

3. Relax

Okay, I know the previous two points were all about how you have to organize and delegate to make sure everything is perfect, but you also have to take it easy. No matter how well you plan everything, something is going to go wrong. The good news is, if you don’t make a big deal about it, neither will your guests.

A shrug, a smile, and a quick solution are all you need to handle any unexpected problem. Did the scalloped potatoes overflow and land on the bottom of your oven? Oh well. No potatoes. Was that pre-cooked ham underdone? Switch to a buffet-style meal made up of all sides.

Your guests want to relax and enjoy themselves, so as long as you’re not flustered and stressed, they’ll be fine.

Remember, It’s Your Party

Hosting a holiday party is an excellent way to invite yuletide cheer into your home. Forget what pop Christmas song say. Your happiness at Christmastime has nothing to do with your relationship status.

Invite your family over. Invite your friends. Host a party for all your single co-workers. Ask everyone who’s away from home for the holidays to join you. This year, put yourself in charge of your Christmas cheer.

Do you have experience hosting a holiday party as a single woman? How did it go? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.

15 Fantastic Gifts for Single Women

What do you get for the single woman on your list? If she has everything, or you just don’t know her well, you might be stumped. That’s why I’ve created this list of 15 fantastic gifts for single women.

What to Buy a Single Woman

I don’t know about you, but when I’m stumped by what to get someone, I ask Google for ideas. “What to get for [fill in the blank demographic].” And list after list of ideas appear. But I noticed there’s not a whole lot out there for single folk. And a lot of people seem downright nervous about buying presents for us.

The good news is, I’ve created a list of lovely gifts for single women. Use this for women you don’t know very well, women who have everything, or women who don’t seem to want anything.

Ready? Here are my top 15 gifts for single women.

{Pst! You’re entering the part of this post where I share the gifts I personally recommend. Some of these are affiliate links, some are not, but all are products I love. Please see my affiliate disclaimer here.}

#15 – Pre-Colored Coloring Books

We were so delighted when coloring books for grown-ups hit the scene. But lord help us, we’ve all got more than we’ll ever be able to finish. Instead of giving your single friend yet another book to color, try this.

Powell’s pre-colored coloring books are a hilarious response to the adult coloring craze. This will work best with someone you know who already has everything she wants–including a stack of coloring books.

Perfect for: The woman who has it all.

#14 – A Badass Calendar

Jen Sincero’s Badass book series didn’t make the best sellers list for nothing. Now you can get all that motivation in this page-a-day You Are a Badass Calendar. Your solo friend will feel like the unconquerable goddess she is with this daily dose of inspiration.

Perfect for: The woman who’s destined for greatness.

#13 – Snuggley Socks

This is a pretty standard “I have no idea what to get you” gift, but it doesn’t need to be. As long as you know one thing about her, you can get a pair of socks that match her interests.

Does she have a pup? Get her a pair of adorable dog socks. There’s a sock pattern for virtually everything in the world. Just avoid the typical winter sock patterns, and this can be a very thoughtful gift.

Perfect for: The woman who’s impossible to buy for.

#12 – Succulent Plants

We all know that one gal who loves plants but can’t seem to keep them alive. The last step before giving her an artificial ficus is a 5-pack of fully rooted succulents by Plants for Pets. These little guys need very minimal watering, indirect sunlight, and nothing else.

Perfect for: The woman who kills house plants like it’s her job.

#11 – A Door Security Bar

I mentioned this one in my last list, but it’s so good it’s worth repeating. The Master Lock Door Security Bar works best as a gift if you give it to someone you’re close to (or at least related to). I’ve used this club to keep uninvited maintenance workers from waltzing into my apartment for years. It’s never let me down.

Perfect for: Any woman who lives alone.

{Psst, are you a single woman who’s not thrilled about that status? Check out my FREE e-course below}

#10 – An Audiobook Subscription

If you know a woman who has a long commute or who loves to read, but never has the time, give the gift of an audiobook subscription. Scribd is by far the best audiobook subscription service I’ve ever found. For a flat monthly fee, you get as many audio and e-books as you can handle.

Perfect for: The woman who loves to read but can’t find the time.

#9 – Christmas Ornaments

Like the snuggley socks idea, this is super easy to personalize. Is she a bookworm? Get a stack of books ornament. Does she love to run? Get her a runner’s ornament. If all else fails, you can always get an ornament with her name on it.

Perfect for: The woman who loves Christmas.

#8 – A Luxury Blanket

You just can’t go wrong with a warm, winter blanket. Go for something really plush and cruelty-free, like this Pinzon Faux Fur Throw Blanket.

Perfect for: The woman who always says she’s cold.

#7 – A Copy of Spinster: Making a Life of One’s Own

Kate Bolick’s brilliant book, Spinster: Making a Life of One’s Own is required reading for every single woman, whether she chose the solo life or the solo life chose her.

Perfect for: The woman who’s flying solo.

#6 – A Planner

Staying organized is a challenge when you’re a working woman. Make your solo friend’s life a little easier with a Panda Planner (Daily Planner, Calendar and Gratitude Journal). This cute little office tool is sort of like a pre-filled bullet journal. If you know someone who likes keeping her life in order but doesn’t have time to journal, Panda Planner will be a welcomed gift.

Perfect for: The woman who’s always on the go.

#5 – A Mug Heater

Where has this been all of my adult life? This simple little mug warmer will keep your coffee or tea mug warm while you work.

Perfect for: The woman who loves her cup of joe.

#4 – A Toaster Oven

The thing about cooking for one is you really don’t need to heat the entire oven. I cook every meal in the microwave or the toaster oven. And let me tell you, I seriously love my toaster oven. It makes solo cooking so much more efficient.

Perfect for: The woman who loves to cook.

#3 – A Food Subscription Box

As I mentioned, I’m getting better about cooking lovingly for myself. But not every single woman has time to come home and prepare a meal for one. That’s where you come in with a food subscription box.

Perfect for: The woman who hates to cook.

#2 – Some Singles Swag

I did a review of the Singles Swag subscription box earlier this year, and believe me when I tell you some of my single friends are getting Singles Swag for Christmas. What makes this such a great choice is it’s a gift that keeps on giving. Choose from a regular or petite box and monthly, 3 months, or 6 month subscription packages.

Perfect for: The woman who loves nice things.

#1 – A Monogram Door Hanger

Single ladies, no matter how enlightened we are, still tend to see themselves as half of a whole. Remind your solo friend that she’s enough all own her own by putting her name up, loud and proud. This metal sign from AJD Designs says “You’re kind of a big deal.”

Perfect for: The woman who needs a confidence boost.

Thanks for Reading!

Did you find anything helpful on this list? Anything I should add? Let me know in the comments below.

Spinster, Don’t Fear the Reaper | Why I Don’t Fear Dying Alone

I’m not afraid of dying alone.

If you’ve followed this blog, you might be thinking, “Lils, that’s easy for you to say. You’re not really alone. You’re in a living-apart-together relationship. You’ll have someone there when you get old.”

But the truth is, that’s probably not going to be the case. Given the significant age difference between my partner and I, it’s likely I’ll spend the last decade or more of my life alone.

But this honestly doesn’t scare me. And I’ll tell you why.

But before that, I want to give you some honest tea: Writing a blog series on spinster death was hard. Not because I had to face my own mortality (I already had my advance directive and burial plan). But because I had to face the fact that I might actually end up dying alone. Not alone as in, “All my friends are dead,” but alone as in, “My friends are still alive and no one wants to be there for me.”

Who Will Take Care of Me When I’m Old?

When I made my advance directive, I asked my LAT partner if I could name him as my healthcare proxy. He said he was uncomfortable with that. He didn’t want to be the one to “pull the plug.” That was reasonable, so I turned to the next person I trusted most.

My best friend is two years younger than I am and in good health, so she had a reasonable chance of outliving me. But her beliefs about end-of-life care don’t always sync with mine, and I had some reservations about how ethical it would be to ask anyone, even my bff, to do something (i.e., pulling the plug) that might violate her own ethics.

I could have asked my grandmother, and I believe she would have accepted. She would definitely have followed my wishes. She and my late grandfather both wrote living wills to ensure they’d have natural deaths. And, when my grandfather became terminally ill, she defended his right to die at home when he could no longer advocate for himself.

But the odds of my grandmother outliving me were low. Besides, she’d already had to do that for my grandfather. Wouldn’t it be pretty rough to have to argue with doctors to allow her young granddaughter to die? I didn’t ask her. It seemed wrong.

Honestly, realizing I had no close friends or family willing to do this for me made me feel very lonely. For a few, brief moments I wondered if all the dire warnings about dying alone might have been legit. It was a pretty tender spot for a bit, and I wondered how (or if) I’d address it when it came time to write this series. Would I have to admit that, after all, this lifestyle could mean dying alone and unloved?

Married Couples Fear the Reaper, Too

It didn’t take me too long to realize that, in fact, this was not a spinster problem. Few people, at least few Americans, are comfortable with death. It’s especially weird for a younger person in good health to fill out an advanced directive. I asked myself, if my S/O and I had been married, would he have been any more comfortable accepting that?

Answer: Of course not. Getting married doesn’t suddenly make you chill with Death and the thought of losing a loved one. After thinking about it, I realized the only reason this process is different as a single is because you actually have to sit down and talk about it.

If my S/O and I were married, he’d have automatic power of attorney. But he’d still feel uncomfortable in that role.

Realizing that made me feel less alone and unloved. Death makes people uncomfortable. Handling medical issues for a sick and unconscious person is uncomfortable. And being tasked with pulling the plug is, for most people, really uncomfortable.

Nonetheless, it left me with an important question: What will keep me from dying alone?

But Seriously, Who’s Going to Take Care of Me?

Let me quickly say that at no point did getting pregnant, having a baby, and binding that child to me through filial obligation and guilt in order to coerce them into performing these tasks for me seem like a good way to avoid dying alone.

For the time being, I’ve named my dad as my healthcare proxy. As I’m only 32 and in pretty good health, it’s unlikely he’ll have to fulfill that role. In the future, I’ll likely update it. At the moment, I don’t know who my new health care agent will be. But I feel better with that uncertainty that I’d feel as a mother wondering if I could count on my kids to care for me. Wondering if they would respect my wishes, or if I would, like so very many mothers, end up abandoned in an assisted living facility or left to slowly die alone in hospice.

Why This Spinster Doesn’t Fear the Reaper

(Or, the reasons I’m not afraid of dying alone alone)

First, I’m not afraid of languishing in a nursing home, neglected by underpaid and frustrated staff.

I’m laying money aside for my own care in my later years. I’ve got a living will, and I’ll continue to update it as I age and my life circumstances change. Instead of paying some $235,000 (or whatever the current cost of raising a kid, sans college, is) on raising a child, I’ll put that toward my end-of life care.

Again, it goes without saying that none of us knows the future, and even the best-laid plans can go awry. But that’s true for everyone, not just single people. I have seen too many people of moderate means with large families propped in a corner of a senior center, forgotten by the outside world to believe that I’d be immune to these troubles if I weren’t single.

Second, I’m not afraid of being alone.

I don’t see myself as being so unlovable that I won’t have any friends. I talked about hiring a death doula in the last post, which is yet another reason I’m not worried about what will happen if all my friends and family die before me.

Third, I’ve prepared.

You might think it’s tacky of me to talk even more about money, but you can’t have an honest discussion about death without addressing this issue.

Our grandmothers learned the importance of financial independence within a marriage, so they would never be left stranded should their husbands leave. They held part-time jobs and kept their nest eggs. Our mothers learned the importance of having a good-paying job before (and often during) marriage. And we’ve learned the importance of truly standing on our own two feet. Equal to—not dependent on—a partner.

As long as we live in a world that runs on money, finances are vital to self-reliance. Feeling too ashamed to save up for yourself just makes you a burden to someone else later. Taking charge of your own finances, career, life, and death is empowering.

Why I Made This Series

It’s not because I fear death that I make plans for it. This is hard for me to explain to some people. Some of my friends insist that I’m worried about dying, but they couldn’t be further from the truth. I think they’re worried about death because they refuse to look at it.

Planning for death isn’t like planning for a worst case scenario. You’re going to die. Avoiding death preparation is like knowing that you have a conference in another state and refusing to get a plane ticket, pack your clothes, or make arrangements for your pets. The person who does all of these things in advance isn’t worried; they’re just sensible.

Don’t worry about dying alone. Do future-you a favor and make arranges for your own end-of-life care today.

Designing Your Death as a Single Woman | A Spinster’s Guide to Death

‘Designing your death?’ you may be thinking. ‘Is she really writing a blog on how to die as a lonely, old woman?’ Don’t worry, I’m not. I’m simply telling you how you can plan for your death so you won’t fear dying alone.

Contrary to popular belief:

You don’t need to get married and have kids to avoid dying alone.
Getting married and having kids won’t prevent you from dying alone anyway.

I touched on this in the last blog, but the jist of it is this: Spouses die. Children bail. As I’ve said before, you’re not so unloveable that only a ring on your finger and a bun in the oven will save you from dying alone. You have, or can have, friends and family who love you and will stay by your side when the reaper comes calling.

{This post contains links to death-positive resources. Please read my affiliate disclosure here.}

**But What if You Are Alone?**

What if, when your time comes, you’ve outlived all of your close family and friends? If the vision of lying abandoned in a sterile room, gasping out your last is clouding your vision, relax. Let me take you through a recent discovery of mine that may change the way you feel about dying ‘alone.’

Personally, the thought of being surrounded by my loved ones as I leave this world isn’t actually a comforting one for me. I know it sounds strange, because dying alone is such a deep-rooted fear in most people. And while I wouldn’t want to necessarily die alone, dying before an audience is—for me—the worse of those two extremes.

I don’t want to spend my last moments nervous and uncomfortable, trying to comfort other people. So what’s the solution for someone who doesn’t have anyone left, or who simply wants to be cared for (instead of doing the caring) on her death bed?

Designing Your Death with a Doula

As I was preparing this blog series, a new upload to the Ask A Mortician YouTube channel showed me a third option.

I’d heard the term “death doula” in Doughty’s book Smoke Gets In Your Eyes, but I hadn’t paid much attention to it. But listening to Alua Arthur explain what she does, I felt an overwhelming sense of recognition. “Yes,” my mind seemed to tell me. “That’s what I want my death to look like.”

I know many people will look at the idea of hiring someone to show you kindness in your final hours as a pitiable situation, but I don’t. Caregiving is a valuable service. I’ve advised people to consider the possibility of hiring a caregiver rather than raising a child in the hope that it will one day care for you in your old age. I also love clear expectations and interpersonal contracts. So the idea of hiring a death doula to take care of me in a way that will make me comfortable (rather than the way that will make my family feel comfortable) looks excellent.

Now, at the moment, my death plan doesn’t include anything like this. I’m still in my early 30s and, thankfully, in good health. So if I’m to die soon it’ll likely be due to an accident. When I get older, or if I find out I’m dying due to illness, I’ll hire a death doula.

How to Go About Designing Your Death

In the last post, I talked about making your advance directive and formal arrangements for your funeral. You can include all of the plans you make for your end-of-life care in your advance directive. But before you write that all in, you’ve got to decide what you want.

This blog is simply about designing your death. Think about what you want it to look like. Is your family surrounding you? Are your pets there? Are you at home, in a hospice center, or somewhere else? Remember that you might not be able to express yourself when the time comes, so it’s really important to plan ahead and write everything down.

Take a few minutes (or a few days) to imagine what you want your final hours to be like. When you know what you want, tell the person who can make those arrangements (your power of attorney or healthcare proxy, usually).

Selfish, Even in Death

“We should only think of ourselves in this life, of our own death.” – The Phantom of the Opera by Gaston Leroux

As a single person without children, I’ve been called selfish many times for many reasons. And someone will probably say that it’s selfish of me to make all of these decisions myself instead of letting my family handle my death as they want. And maybe choosing to die the way I want is actually selfish. Maybe excluding my family from my deathbed is an unkindness to them. But, because I wouldn’t begrude anyone I love the opportunity to die as they like, I won’t withhold that from myself. Death is the one thing that has been guaranteed to me in life, and I believe it’s a deeply personal event. To me it seems more personal than getting married, having a baby, or even being born.

The way I see it, designing your death the way you want to is your right. More than that, it’s liberating. It takes a little bit of background anxiety out of your life.

What do you think? Is this just morbid, or is it an act of self-determination? Let me know what you think in the comments below.

If you’re still a little uneasy about the idea of dying alone, stay tuned for the final installment of A Spinster’s Guide to Death, coming out on October 31st.