Mombies. Breeders. Trash. Stupid. Entitled. Why do childfree women hate moms?

Do Childfree Women Hate Moms?

The title might seem a little clickbait-y, but it’s a question I’ve had to ask myself over the last couple of years. Since seeing more of the online childfree community, I’ve seen the absolute disgust many childfree women have for mothers. It’s brutal. And it’s left me wondering, time and again, why?

Why do childfree women hate moms? | The American Spinster

You may disagree with me on this, but in my experience no one obsesses over the wrong-ness of someone else’s life unless it’s harming them directly or touching a nerve. Now, random mothers on the internet aren’t directly affecting childfree women’s lives.  At best we can claim they’re hogging resources for their children, that’s nothing compared to the disproportionate resources very wealthy individuals are using just on themselves.

So what is the real reason childfree women hate moms so much?

Mom-Bashing on the Internet

I come across some pretty hate-filled speech when I visit childfree groups. Besides the name-calling (breeder, mombie and crotch droppings for kids), I see posts filled with reasons that mothers are disgusting, gross, entitled, and trash. Any post that contains some sort of pain, discomfort, or unhappiness for a mother is met with more than a few words of delight. She deserves it, the stupid breeder.

And maybe you’re thinking, “Lils, it’s the internet. If you can’t handle hate talk, don’t log in.” And that would be fair. But my quest here isn’t to rid the world of impolite people on the internet. It’s to find out what is really at the bottom of this surprisingly vicious and unending anger toward moms.

Why do childfree women hate moms? | The American Spinster

Why the obsessive interest in moms?

It looks like childfree women are paying a lot of attention to a lifestyle we supposedly don’t care about. And sure, if you’re social media friends with a pregnant woman, you’re going to see posts about her pregnancy. And if you hate kids and pregnancy, it’s going to upset you. I also understand that many people keep contacts they don’t particularly like on the friends list. But… why follow them? Why keep up with their apparently distasteful lives?

Why create online spaces that help childfree women hate moms?

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Are Moms Just Easy Scapegoats?

When you get right down to it, moms aren’t hurting us or cramping our style more than other groups. It is distressing to see the horrible ways some mothers treat their children. And it can be annoying to see mothers getting so much attention. But, that’s a lot of anger for such common crimes. Is it simply the fact that this is the internet, and being mildly annoyed at someone can translate to unreasonably angry speech?

All of it looks–to me–like a basically baseless hatred. The kind we need to hang on to to keep from looking more closely at something in our own lives or society. And so we make moms the “other.” We find their lifestyle gross, so we call them disgusting. We think they’re dumb for no knowing motherhood would be so taxing, so we call them brainless mombies. And, like any type of resentment-based, illogical anger, we back it up with ‘proof’ that they’re hogging resources and overpopulating the planet. They deserve our hatred.

Pardon My Soap Box, But…

So why the heck do I care so much about the way childfree women hate moms?

Because being childfree wasn’t always a choice for me. I grew up in a very conservative church group where birth control was never discussed. It could only be whispered among married couples who already had a few children.

I had no sex education whatsoever. And I definitely didn’t have the means to get any kind of birth control. I mean that. There was no possibility of me even going into a pharmacy on my own, much less coming home with condoms. If I’d ever had sex as a teen, there would have been no way I would have been able to use protection.

Why do childfree women hate moms? | The American Spinster

So, when I read comments like, “That stupid twat knew what she was getting into,” I think, “Did she?” Childfree women, overall, seem very educated about pregnancy and childbirth–which is probably part of why we opt to be childfree. But no-one (I mean literally no-one) ever told me about any of it when I was growing up.

My experience isn’t usual. A lot of kids grow up in similar situations. It’s easy for a childfree woman with unrestricted internet access to look down on teens and young, insulated adults for not knowing better. But when your school, parents and church refuse to discuss the realities of sex, childbirth, or birth control, how are you supposed to learn about it?

Despising the Less Fortunate

This is the case for most of the unhappy mothers I know. I imagine it’s the case for most unhappy mothers, period. They were herded into a lifestyle they didn’t choose freely (if you don’t know there are options, you can’t make a choice). They’re stuck in a society that idolizes birth but devalues mothers. They lose their selfhood in service to their kids. At times, they try to take pride in this martyrdom. And sometimes they turn to social media to vent their frustrations.

Childfree women, on the other hand, have lives we supposedly love. But we talk viciously about women who ended up in lives they don’t even like. Don’t misunderstand me, we need to vent our frustrations at times, too. And not every action we take has to be some glorious, altruistic move.

But maybe, instead of ranting about how much moms disgust us, our time would be better spent trying to reach young girls and women to let them know that they have other options.

Why do childfree women hate moms? | The American Spinster

Does this ring true for you? Tell me about your experiences in the comments below.
If you’re uneasy with the way childfree groups are often flimsy disguises for anti-procreation groups, I recommend checking out Respectfully Childfree.

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9 thoughts on “Why Do Childfree Women Hate Moms?”

  1. I don’t hate mother’s.
    I hate how I work just as hard but they get all the assistance and my life is affected because they made a choice.
    I get more work tasks at work(because they have Kids), stay later (cause they have to be home, well so do i), sit uncomfortable on a seat cause their child is in the way (ever sit next to a child on a plane?), have a child throwing food while the mother eats (I was a waitres and this is where I really had issues with “mothers” who had no respect for property, other people or manners), how kids can trample my dog (cause running everywhere and kicking is ok), how moms think it’s ok to change a dirty diaper in a restaurant or on a plane (just disrespect, there are bathrooms, we all like to breath and eat food), how children can cry and scream and everyone has to sit and allow it?
    I don’t hate mother’s, I hate the lack of parenting.
    This is where the cliche comes in, YOU made the choice to have children. Not me. We are both hired for the same job, I am not working later or earlier because they don’t manage their lives. I take care of my nieces, pets, sick parents and get NO assistance because I don’t have kids.
    Kid is sick at school, well guess moms going home and now I’m doing double the work load. No I don’t get her pay or a thank you, she gets to go home at a drop of a hat tho.
    I show up on time for work, other mothers do as well, but there is always 1 mother who can’t cause of her kids because she isn’t proactive. Guess who suffers…..everyone else!
    That is why I have issues with mothers. Not all mothers, I have many friends with kids and I love their kids and then to death. They don’t work, abuse the system, their kids are blessing and not issues. If they can’t make arrangements, they stay in to not affect others.
    It’s called respect.
    I respect your choice, be respectful and own up to your choice and deal with the consequences and stop making us all deal with your choices as well.

  2. I can relate in a way to Lilli as a teen. When I was a teen I knew nothing about sex, boys, birthcontrol. I had to kinda figure out what sex was based on boys just talking among themselves in middleschool. It was later in highschool that a teacher showed us what birth control methods there were. I’m still kind of like a 12 yr old and men are something kind of foreign to me. I’m really glad I didn’t have sex with a boy when I was a teen because I could of easily gotten pregnant, and back then I didn’t know I had Aspergers and I wouldn’t have known what a bad mom I would be IF I had kids (bad mom because of my mental and physical problems). I hadn’t lived long enough to learn more about myself.

  3. I think you’re simplifying it. It’s all too easy to say: you hate mothers because secretly you’d like to be one. Of course that’s the first thing everyone tells us. All the time.

    First, I am against being rude online. Whether it’s with regards to political views or being child free. But some people choose to express themselves in an impolite manner, and child free women aren’t an exception.

    I do feel anger towards moms but that’s not because I wish, or ever wished to be one.

    I feel angry because it’s such a taboo to say openly that I don’t like children. Because I am surrounded by mothers I have to constantly pretend and bite my tongue. So that leads to frustration and anger.

    I am not allowed to openly say when looking at a newborn: It’s not more a miracle than a puppy. Even though that’s so true. I am not allowed to say that I think in today’s environmental situation having children is immoral. That human overpopulation is threatening other species and the balance on the planet.

    I can’t say those things, even though they are true. Instead I am having to grin and pretend. Yes, motherhood is hitting a nerve for me. Yes, I am feeling frustrated and angry. But that’s not because I secretly want to be a mother.

    1. I don’t see how we’re in disagreement. I certainly don’t think people who say they hate mothers secretly want to be mothers. I’m not sure what part of the post seemed to imply that. I actually didn’t even touch on that common accusation, one way or the other. What I wrote was that the anger I encounter seems disproportionate to the ‘crime,’ and that the level of anger appeared (to me) to be largely baseless.
      Believe me when I say I don’t think you secretly want to be a mother, and I don’t think that your anger toward mothers stems from any secret envy. Again, I think you and I are in agreement.

  4. As a mother who has seen this “mom hate” culture and experienced it first hand, it’s very refreshing to hear that not all child free women see us as brainless demon breeders. I chose to become a mother and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. But just because I made a choice does not mean every women has to. I feel at times I have committed a crime and don’t belong in society since I had my baby. Thank you for giving me hope.

  5. I can’t honestly say that I hate mothers. I understand why many of them choose to have kids, and I understand that many didn’t feel like they had a choice. I have issues with mothers who can support their kids but don’t, and mothers who have kids that they want but obviously can’t support. My sister-in-law got pregnant at 19 when she and her husband couldn’t reliably pay their rent and were constantly switching apartments. My biggest issue is with the mothers who shame childfree women, calling them selfish and trying to make them feel less human for deciding to not have kids. Nobody should be shamed for the lifestyle they choose.

  6. It really is more about what you so blithely describe as “common crimes“ that build up frustration towards parents in general for me (not just moms). Having the back of my seat kicked by a kid across the Atlantic is FRUSTRATING. The fact that my husband has to go on-call every month and the parents he works with do not is FRUSTRATING. Working as a server and watching a kid throw pasta all over the floor is FRUSTRATING. The privileges granted to parents come at a cost and it’s paid for by the child free people around them. This post skips right over the inconveniences hoisted upon childfree folks by irresponsible parents on the basis that they happen all the time, so who cares? Seriously, did you ask a single one of those angry childfree women why they feel they way they do?

  7. Many of us aren’t child free by choice. It was (unfortunately) nature’s cruel hand.

    We don’t hate mothers (or fathers for that matter.) What we “hate” if you want to use that term, is that this world has turned it’s back on the childless and especially single and childless.

    We pay higher taxes, we seldom get discounts at restaurants (there are no “single/childless eat free nights.”) We pick up the slack when parents are gone from work early and we’ve don’t get paid for it. We don’t extra days off from work for NOT having kids. We don’t get perks at clothing stores and up close parking for not having a kid. We also don’t get a special days of recognition like Mother’s Day and Father’s Day where more discounts abound.

    It was not my choice to not have a child. Like a lot of people. I love kids I wanted my own. By the time I found out that couldn’t happen I couldn’t finically adopt either.

    Also we don’t need to act sugary sweet around your kid all the time. We childless adults have bad days too. It doesn’t mean we hate your child. Get a grip.

  8. As I am in the target audience of your inquiry, I have some things to say.
    First, you got it wrong. Childfree women do not hate mothers. It is the other way round. Or at least that is the feeling from this side of the fence. Some of them hate us and a lot of us despise them. Please note I haven’t put everybody in the same basket.
    What you have seen on these sites is the hardcore CF. Not all of us have that amount of anger and hatred towards the moms. But the hatred is real. And believe me, in some cases is well deserved.
    I will start off by admitting I am one of the nastiest specimen of CF b%$h who will dish out unlimited amounts of bashing, jabs and not so subtle insults towards the mommykind! Both online an in RL. And I am proud of it! As I’ve said, some mommies deserve it!
    Let’s be clear on something, we don’t like moms, but it isn’t us who are secretly stalking mom’s Facebook walls in search of new victims. NOOO, the mombies are pushing themselves and their photos with their crotch goblins, erm kids, all over the damn online places. House decorating sites? Pet sites? Cooking ones? There is a matter of time until a mombie pushes a picture of her offspring down our retinas. Despite warnings being in place asking NOT to post stuff like that. There’s a word for it. Mommyjacking. And we, Childfree HATE IT!!
    I can’t speak for other CF people out there, but I have severe tokophobia and I get very anxious at the sight of small children. And you, mom, came to my page posting high resolution pics with your goblins, despite me expressly asking not to post that kind of content! In spite of this, actually. “Look at my little Timmy, he sooo cutey, you’ve got to like him!” Like hell, no woman! Am I gonna roast you and your precious darling? You bet I will! Will me calling your kid “an ugly piece of t#$d”, hurt you and make you cry? I hope it does!

    “You may disagree with me on this, but in my experience no one obsesses over the wrong-ness of someone else’s life unless it’s harming them directly or touching a nerve. Now, random mothers on the internet aren’t directly affecting childfree women’s lives. ”

    Oh, you are right about the first phase but I am disagreeing with you on the second one! See, I, and many other CF don’t give a damn about the wrongness of mother life, but their sense of martyrdom DOES affect our lives!
    “You can’t be that tired, you have no kids!” or “You must have it so easy” or “You must be so selfish/lazy not to want babies” and the list goes on. That is INSULTING! That is out rightly calling us less them them! If your ever said or thought that to a CF person, then mombie, you deserve all the hatred out there!

    “So what is the real reason childfree women hate moms so much?”
    IMHO, entitlement! Not all mothers are entitled pieces of human dunk, but those who are spark rage. Do you know how the mombie entitlement translates in the real life? By them expecting everybody else bend backwards and accommodate them, because they HAVE CHILDREN! ” I can’t do the Friday shift, I have to take the kids to Whateverland!” or “I want all the August available for my summer holiday, I am taking the children places !” or “I’ll be late for my shift ask Anna to stay a hour overtime”.”Why do I have to stay at such long line if my darlings are so tired?” THAT! That is why I (and many other CFs) HATE (this kind of) mothers. They just live with the impression everybody owes them for bringing a kid in this world. That they deserve special treatment, freebies or any kind reward for it! Reality check, they don’t. I don’t even tackle the subject of a tantruming toddler in the middle of a restaurant (not McDonald’s, not park or hypermarket, but a grownups restaurant), while the mombie doesn’t even bother with the pretense of calming the devil down.
    Moms out there, I don’t give a damn why your kids are acting like that in public. I can’t care less if he is sick/in pain/hadn’t got enough sleep or whatever. If your kid will disrupts my day, I will be sure to ruin yours! Yes, I am that a wretched human being! After all, I will not inconvenience you with my problems and I expect the same of you! You’re welcome!

    “Because being childfree wasn’t always a choice for me. I grew up in a very conservative church group where birth control was never discussed. It could only be whispered among married couples who already had a few children.”
    That is not an excuse! I came from a similar background and I still found ways to get to information in my early teens. Sexual and otherwise. We live in an age where information basically bombards you everywhere! The internet has been around since a while, and even before, there were books. Have you had no library in your town? As for nowadays people, they can get this kind of info along with free birth control at their local family planning clinics. Even some schools offer it! So motherhood is pretty much a conscious decision IMHO! No matter how a woman gets pregnant, she can chose whether she carries to term or not! You are making motherhood seem some kind of unfortunate accident, at least for some women.

    “Childfree women, on the other hand, have lives we supposedly love. ”
    No, we don’t. Not all of us, not all the time! What am I, a CF woman, supposed to understand from this line? That mothers are envious of us? That you think we have it easy? That’s false and you know it!

    “But we talk viciously about women who ended up in lives they don’t even like.”
    We talk viciously about women who ended up in lives they don’t even like because they think we should too. It feels like they resent us for our supposedly easy lives!

    Oh, and something more. For every CF rant site where we vent all our mombie-generated anger and frustrations, there are just as many if not more mom-support ones where they are roasting us! So quit painting them as the victims, because they are not! The hatred is real and brutal, indeed, but is on both sides!

    I hope I did some enlightenment on why some CF people dislike mothers and their attitudes.

    Anna

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