Writer at The American Spinster

Dating as a Solo Woman

So you’ve decided you like being single, but you’d also like to date. How can these two desires possibly co-exist? If you’re worried, don’t be. Dating as a solo woman is easier (and more fun) than you think.

Single Girl, Happy Life, by Connie J. Sun — Comic by Connie J. Sun, conniewonnie.com

If you’re here, you’re probably a happily single woman who wants to start dating. But how do you go about it? How do you find someone else who wants the same, atypical type of relationship you do? Living-apart-together couples are still pretty rare, and most people probably haven’t even heard the term. People who don’t have kids tend to want them, and those who have kids likely want a mother for them. What’s a decidedly solo woman to do?

The good news is, dating as a solo woman is not as difficult as you’re probably imagining. In her book, This Is The Story of a Happy Marriage, Ann Patchett remarks that a single woman who announces she wants to date but not settle down will become very popular. And I think you’ll find that’s true for you as well. A little planning, a little clarity, and a lot of honesty go a long way toward finding an ideal, solo relationship. When you implement the following strategies (and use the free, online dating profile guide available at the end of this post), you’ll probably find more than your fair share of potential partners.

1. Figure out what you want.

Are you looking for a pretty casual relationship? Do you want something with the potential for a long-term commitment, but without moving in, getting married, and buying a dog? Take at least ten minutes to sit down and write or type it out. If you’re dating online, keep that list handy when you’re crafting your profile.

2. Make your intentions known.

If you’re on a dating site, this is simple. Just include it in your profile (remember, there’s a free guide at the end of this post). If you’re starting to date someone you’ve met in real life, make sure you bring this up within the first few dates. You don’t need to bluntly say, “By the way, I don’t want to ever get married, but I do want our relationship to be monogamous and exclusive.” Let it be natural. If you’re talking about what got you back into the dating scene, say something like, “I’m really happy where I am in my life right now. I love flying solo, but I realized I also wanted to be part of a meaningful relationship.” Let that grow over the next few meetings.

Generally, people don’t want to feel like you’ve already plotted out your shared life, when they’re not even certain whether or not they want a relationship with you yet. But that information is vital to making that decision, so don’t hold it back.

3. Be clear throughout the relationship.

Remember that, no matter what your gender or stage of life, potential partners may always feel like you’re saying these things as a challenge. Quick – name a movie where the couple lives happily ever after in separate homes with separate finances. See what I mean? We’re trained to believe what everyone truly, deeply wants is a house with a white picket fence. So don’t be surprised if a few months down the road your boyfriend/girlfriend thinks you’ll be ready to change your mind.

If this happens, be clear. Don’t feel the need to “be polite” and give them a “maybe.” That’s just leading them on. If you know you want to stay solo, say so.

4. Know where you’re willing to compromise.

It may be that you’re willing to make a few compromises for The One. You may even find that you’d like to leave your solo life behind all together. If that’s what you truly want, that’s fine. But when dating as a solo woman, it’s helpful to know where you’re willing to negotiate before you start.

For instance, having a living-apart-together relationship might not be enough for your new/future partner. Would sharing a home ever be a possibility? Sharing finances? Decide what your sticking points are.

Note that as your relationship progresses, it’s completely fine if these things change. It’s simply helpful to have a baseline.

5. Have fun.

Step five could also just as easily be called, “Don’t lose sight of why you became single in the first place.” You’re a happily single woman – you date because it’s something you want to do, not because you need to find a mate. If ‘playing the dating game’ starts to make you unhappy, step back for a while. Re-focus on enjoying time with yourself. Then, when or if you feel ready, dive back in, and enjoy.

Want the FREE online dating profile guide? It’s just a click away!

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Help! I love kids, but don’t want any!

Although some people don’t have kids because they hate them, being childfree doesn’t automatically mean you’re anti-child. If you love kids but don’t want any, you’re not alone. And if you’re tired of hearing “But you love kids! How could you not want to have them?” you’re in the right place.

So what’s wrong with you?

Are You A Selfish, Self-Entitled Millennial?

It’s gotten to the point where Millennials can’t sneeze without being called selfish and lazy. (Or accused of putting the tissue companies out of business by wiping their noses with toilet paper. But I digress.) So you’ve probably already heard that the reason we’re not having kids is, no surprise, because we’re just selfish and lazy.

I disagree. I think in most cases it’s because we’re just a bit more aware of ourselves and our options. You probably know more than a handful of Baby-Boomers and Gen Xers who are pretty selfish and lazy (if not downright hateful) as parents. They had children for incredibly selfish reasons. But the point is that they had kids. And since that’s what our society says you’re supposed to do, their selfishness is forgiven.

We live in a culture that glorifies parental self-gratification. No matter how selfish a reason is to have a child, if it results in a baby, the selfishness is excused. So it’s only when Millennials look at that and say, “Yeah, maybe it would be better not to have a child if I don’t think I’d be a good parent,” that things get uncomfortable.

It’ll take another article entirely to go into all the reasons that some parents feel angry and defensive around non-parents. So let’s just get back to the main point. You don’t want kids, but you do like kids. If it’s not because you’re selfish and lazy, then what is wrong with you?

Nothing’s Wrong with You

If your response to not wanting to have children is to not have children, then there’s nothing wrong. If you didn’t think you’d be a good parent and had them anyway, then you really would be being selfish. Now as to why you don’t want to have kids when you enjoy their company… that’s not too complicated.

It’s fine to like (or even love) something and not want to possess it. It’s similar to loving dogs, but choosing not to have one. There are plenty of good reasons for that, such as:

you live in a small apartment and feel it’s not a good environment for a dog
you know you don’t have the time to properly care for a dog
you think you’ll resent having to get up in the middle of the night to let it out to pee
you find dogs fun to play with, but you know you wouldn’t like the committment
you think you’ll probably end up being the person who doesn’t clean up their dog’s poop

Basically, it’s for any reason you wouldn’t be able to give a dog the life it deserves. And if that informs your decision to not get a dog, kudos to you.

When It Comes to Kids

The same is true for having kids. There are dozens (maybe hundreds) of valid reasons you might love kids but don’t want any of your own. For instance, maybe you can’t afford children without relying on financial assistance from others. Or you have bad genes and feel it would be irresponsible to pass them on. For that matter, the fact that the earth is already over-populated might make having a child seem narcissistic.

Then there are even more compelling reasons. Maybe you aren’t certain you could love any child unconditionally. Perhaps you appreciate the fact that, just because you like kids doesn’t mean you’d make a good parent. And then there’s the most important reason of all: you simply have no reason that you actively want a child.

Regarding that last one, as I’ve said before, parenthood is a vocation. If you don’t feel called to it, then it’s not for you.

So if you love kids but don’t want any, you’re fine.

More than fine, actually. You have a huge advantage over all of the people who didn’t realize they didn’t want kids until after they had them. Provided you don’t bow to social pressure and have one anyway (Amy from we’re {not} having a baby! has something to say on this matter), you’ll be in good shape.

If you’re still worried that you’ll be missing out, or if you simply just don’t know what to say to your nagging relatives and co-workers, check out these other resources:

Top 5 Answers to “Why Don’t You Have Kids?”

How to Tell Your Parents You’re Childfree (without breaking their hearts)

While you’re at it, be sure to sign up for The American Spinster’s mailing list for ongoing support and information about the childfree lifestyle:

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7 Perks of Being Single

Way too many of these types of lists include things like, “when you’re single, no one is there to judge you when you eat a whole tub of Ben & Jerry’s,” and, “You may cry from loneliness, but at least you know you’re not being cheated on.” So for your reading pleasure, here’s a list of seven real perks of being single.

{psst! Wish you had a free, 30-day email course that would teach you to love your single life? Keep reading…}

1. Control of Your Time

I don’t know about you, but I love having control of my time. And while I don’t resent the time I spend living on someone else’s schedule, I still prefer managing my day as I see fit.

After spending time at work, it’s wonderful to be able to decide for yourself when you’ll do things. Even little things. I love deciding when I’ll go to the grocery store and when I’ll clean the bathroom. When you’re in a relationship, even these minor events have to be coordinated with someone else. And, again, while that’s not bad, being able to make your own decisions about how you’ll spend your valuable time is even better.

2. Friendships

Know how when one of your friends gets into a relationship, she suddenly has less time to spend with you? And about 50% the time she does spend with you is spent talking about her new partner? That’s all well and good, but the flip side of it is when you’re single, you have more time to devote to maintaining healthy, platonic friendships.

3. Sleeping in the Middle

Okay, this is one that sometimes shows up on the self-mocking lists I mentioned earlier. But I promise this is one of the true perks of being single. Even the most pro-coupling people must admit: Having your own bed allows you to sleep well. You’ll never worry (consciously or unconsciously) about waking someone up. The only alarm going off in the morning will be your own. No one will snore, talk, or kick in their sleep, waking you throughout the night. No matter how you slice it, nothing is as restful as having a bed of your own.

{Almost there – keep going!}

4. Designing Your Own Space

Yes you can do this with a partner, but it’s so much fun to do it on your own! You can do absolutely whatever you want with your space. No compromising on an ugly wall color, no sacrificing your hobby room for theirs, no shared office spaces with clashing styles. You can bring every home decor pin on your Pinterest board to life. No matter how small your space is, it’s all yours. Do with it what you will.

5. Solitude

You’ve heard it before: being alone is not the same as being lonely. Solitude give us the necessary space to learn to truly love ourselves. If being alone makes you uncomfortable, don’t run away from it. Take up meditation, learn to be present and at peace with yourself. Even if being around others is what makes you feel alive, learning to love your own company is the vital foundation that allows all your other relationships to thrive.

6. Money

Ah, ever the uncomfortable topic. As you likely already know, one of the number one topics couples argue about is money. People have very deep-rooted and passionate beliefs about money. Money is intimately connected to one’s ability to earn a living, and to one day retire. So it’s no surprise that when finances are merged, friction ensues.

When you’re flying solo, you are in complete control of your money. Not only does this mean you’re not fighting with someone else, it’s totally empowering! When you can’t rely on anyone else to make the tough choices, you’ll find yourself rising to the challenge.

7. More time to do whatever you love

One thing that solo women have is time. Amazingly, this is so often framed as a negative by TV shows, romcoms, and society in general. You’ve seen the image of the poor, single woman sitting in her home, all alone, nothing on TV, nothing new to read, and no lover to talk to. Such sorrow.

No matter how extroverted or introverted you are, having time to spend as you please is a luxury. Don’t wish it away! If you want to interact with people, go out and do it. You’re not some pioneer woman alone on the prairie, desperate for her husband – the only other human she knows – to come home so she can have someone to communicate with. So don’t treat yourself as though you are.

And if you’re on the introverted side, you’re in luck. You don’t need to sacrifice your solitude to a romantic partner. I know there’s a long list of stuff you’d love to do in your spare time, and that list should not include “mope around wishing I had a partner.”

{Just a bit more…}

You can add on to this list for another several pages, and here’s how: Just ask yourself, “What’s something that married people say they miss about being single?” Whatever answer you get, that’s what you should be thankful for right now. Whether it’s having their own room, jumping in the car for a weekend getaway, or painting the kitchen without argument – enjoy that while you’ve got it. You might not fly solo forever, so cherish this life while it’s here.

{You made it – congrats! Claim your free course below!}

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What Makes A Modern Spinster?

The word “spinster” has had a number of different meanings over its long history. Lately, with the rise of solo living and the childfree alternative, it seems to be being redefined once again. What does it mean to be a modern spinster?

What Does “Spinster” Mean?

Traditionally, a spinster is a never-married woman without biological children. The word itself originated as a professional title. Spinster: a person who spins fibers into yarn or thread. As spinning was one of the few respectable professions available to unmarried women, it eventually became synonymous with “unmarried woman.”

Of course, respectable unmarried women of the past couldn’t have sex openly, and were therefore typically childless. However both literary and real-life spinsters were known to sometimes adopt.

Does the Modern Spinster Exist?

Though something of an archaic term now, “spinster” still carries some negative connotations. Rather than “spinster” describing an independent woman who earns her own living and contributes to the economy directly, the word was used to refer to a woman who had ‘failed.’ That is, failed to do the two things her society told her to do: marry and have children.

And while we certainly still see the remnants of this belief system in our modern world, we’ve also made great strides toward incorporating spinsterhood into the culture in a positive way. More and more books about the solo and childfree lifestyles are being published each decade, and even those who are morally opposed to these lifestyles are at least beginning to listen.

Spinsterhood and Feminism

We can’t talk about modern spinsterhood without also talking about feminism. Feminism is, of course, a belief in the innate equity between men and women. This means that women should not be held to a different set of rules, standards, and social statuses than men simply because of their gender or biological sex.

So basically, the 19th century’s definition of a spinster is completely antithetical to the feminist viewpoint. Why’s that?

There is no corresponding term with similar connotations to the term “spinster” that exists for men.
Neither is there a corresponding social status for men. A bachelor doesn’t exist in separate social striation from married men. Yet spinsters are a class all their own.
Until the late 19th century in England, women had to remain spinsters in order to own property. Men could own property regardless of marital status. (In America, though laws vary from state to state, married women₁ achieved land-owning rights a few decades before spinsters₂.)

To sum up: What men were able to contribute to society was often independent of their marital status. What women were able to contribute to society was entirely dependent on their marital status.

So What Makes a Modern Spinster?

Okay, we know what an old-timey spinster was, and we know that that doesn’t square with our contemporary ideals of equality. So what is a modern spinster?

The modern spinster, if she is any type of feminist at all, believes that her worth as an individual is not tied to whether or not she has acquired a long-term mate. Her status as “unmarried” (or “unmarried and childfree”) is unrelated to her role in society. And while she may (or may not) wish to marry at some point in her life, she doesn’t see her solo status as a fault or lack.

None of us are going to be perfectly happy with every part of our lives at all times. (I mean, if you’re fully enlightened maybe. But the rest of us will not.) There are going to be days when we solo women feel lonely; when we childfree wonder if we really are missing out. But ideally the modern spinster doesn’t live her life under the shadow of social restraints resulting from her marital status. She is herself, first and foremost; her relationship to others is secondary. She is, overall, happily single and childfree.

Do you see yourself as a modern spinster? What has your experience as a happily single and childfree woman been like? Let me know in the comments below.

All images are provided by Kaboompics.

Cooking for One: Yes – You’re Worth the Fuss

I’ve written previously about dining solo and cooking for one, but recently I came across an important, related issue I’ve never addressed: the fuss.

The Drawbacks of Cooking for One

In his book Going Solo, Eric Klinenberg recounts the story of a single-by-choice woman named Ella. One of Ella’s greatest challenges in feeling content on her own was cooking. Klinenberg writes, “Though Ella has always liked cooking, at first it wasn’t easy to do without company. The elaborate process of planning, shopping, preparing, cooking, and eating felt strange and wasteful when she did it all solo.”

Because this issue isn’t uncommon, I’ve written about a few tips to help solo women enjoy cooking for one. And I take these tips to heart. But somewhere along the lines, I started shirking it off. It just got… tiresome. And kind of pointless.

Klineneberg goes on:

“Ella shared the sentiment that some nay-saying singles conveyed to the food writer and author Judith Jones: ‘I like to cook for others, to give my friends pleasure. Why would I want to go to all that trouble just for me?’ Gradually, however, Ella recognized that cooking for one required cultivating a special talent: the will and capacity to use her time, money, and creative energy to fulfill her own needs.”

The Necessity of Cooking for One

I won’t lie, I have a hard time with cooking. It’s not something I intrinsically enjoy. With two jobs, time is often an issue as well. However, with a rather restricted diet, eating prepared food every day simply isn’t an option. So to avoid monotony, breaking the bank, and consuming a boat load of preservatives, I buy the raw ingredients and cook my meals at home.

To make sure my evenings aren’t devoted entirely to cooking and cleaning, I normally spend part of my day off once per week cooking my meals for the next 5 days. I pull out all the pots, go through all the food preparation, cook, package it for lunches and dinners, and then clean up. It sometimes feels like it takes more time than is necessary, but it’s healthier than buying pre-packaged sides and a heck of a lot cheaper than buying vegan meals. So I do it.

Lately, however, it’s become a lot more of a necessary chore than an enjoyable, fun experience. Again, part of this is because cooking isn’t really my thing, but part of it goes back to what Ella said. For instance, I used to make a lovely eggplant parmigiana for myself. So tasty, so healthy, so vegetarian (veggie cheese, you know). It was the perfect treat. But when I realized how much time it took to produce just a few meals, I stopped. Time is money, after all. And I did not have some 90 minutes to devote to baking eggplant.

The Fuss in Cooking for One

After reading Ella’s revelation, however, I began to rethink it. If I were cooking for someone else on a regular basis, would I feed the same diet of carrots and potatoes every week, just because it was the most time efficient, diet-inclusive food I could make? No. They’d be getting some parmigiana. So why wasn’t I?

Honestly, I just didn’t feel like I was worth the fuss.

That’s not easy to admit, especially since I like to think of myself as a very modern spinster who practices good self-care. But it was the truth. I wasn’t making time for myself the way I’d make time for anyone else. In fact, I wasn’t even preparing loving food for myself the way I do when I have family or friends over. I just tossed those potatoes in the oven and spent the next twenty minutes resenting the clean up.

Meanwhile, my co-worker prepares a full breakfast and full dinner for her spouse and child every day, while balancing a 40+ hour per week job and going to the gym. She makes time for it because she recognizes the importance of it. And if she could make time to cook two full meals from scratch every day for her family, surely I could find it in me to cook a set of decent meals once per week for myself.

I think I’m worth that much fuss.

The Joy of Cooking for One

The tips in How to Enjoy Eating Alone are relevant and very helpful to this issue, but I realize now that without the right mindset, they’re hollow. No amount of planning, preparation, or presentation is going to justify the time and effort involved in cooking for one unless you feel like you’re worth it.

For me, there’s one simple trick that gets me in the right frame of mind every time. When I get ready to cook my meals for the week, I pretend – just for a few moments – that I’m getting ready to feed a friend for the week. I imagine my best friend is staying with me for the next five days, and I’m preparing her food in advance. It’s incredibly easy to get excited about scrubbing potatoes when envisioning the fun that I’ll have serving a warm meal of roasted veggies marinated in olive oil and sprinkled with rosemary to my dearest friend in the world.

Then, when I’m already smiling at the thought, I just remind myself that, oh yeah – that friend is me. And I am going to feel delighted when I come home to a home-cooked meal made especially for my tired, hungry, hard-working self.

But… Isn’t that a bit much? A bit silly? A bit too self-absorbed?

If this idea makes you feel awkward or self-conscious, or makes you worried that you’ll turn into a total self-absorbed jerk if you show yourself that much care and love, consider this:

The Buddha said, “You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you, and you will not find that person anywhere. You, as much as anyone else in the universe, deserve your love and affection.” The least you can do is serve yourself a meal prepared with genuine love.

And listen, if cooking really isn’t your thing, then spend some time planning out your shopping list and making sure you buy ready-made meals that you like and will nourish your body. And for heaven’s sake, once it comes out of the microwave, put your food on a plate and make it pretty. You’re worth the fuss of washing a plate, aren’t you?

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Top 5 Books for Single Women

Typically when you think of a list of books for single women, you imagine a list of books about how to secure a mate. Of course, at The American Spinster, that’s not going to happen. So instead I’ve created a much-needed list of the top five books to read if you are – or wish to be – a happily single woman.

These books empower, educate, and inspire you to live your best single life. The un-ranked list includes nonfiction narratives, histories, self-help, and even a badge book. So without any more ado, here are my top five, must-read books for single women.

Because I so highly recommend these books, this post contains affiliate links. Please see my affiliate links disclosure here.

1. You Are A Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life, by Jen Sincero

While not aimed at women particularly, Jen Sincero’s Badass books should be required reading for every single and/or childfree female. You Are A Badass is a no-nonsense pep talk from an author who’s part comedian, part inspirational drill sergeant. You will be Sarah Freaking Connor after you’re done reading.

The best part is that Sincero was in her forties before she started getting her life together. And now she’s raking in the dough and traveling the world as a best-selling author. As she says, “If I can do this, anyone can.”

You Are a Badass®: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life

2. Spinster: Making a Life of One’s Own, by Kate Bolick

Right from the introduction, you can tell Bolick’s book is going to be an entrancing exploration of the beauty of singleness. Filled with history, narrative, and a captivating writing style, this is the handbook for single, childfree women.

Spinster: Making a Life of One’s Own

3. Yes Means Yes! Visions of Female Sexual Power and A World Without Rape, by Jaclyn Friedman

This is an example of a book that delves boldly into the dark and emerges triumphant, inspiring, and empowering. Rather than focusing on the bare minimum of consent, this book takes “yes” to a new level.

Yes Means Yes!: Visions of Female Sexual Power and A World Without Rape

4. All The Single Ladies: Unmarried Women and the Rise of an Independent Nation, by Rebecca Traister

Sometimes you’ve got to know where you’ve come from to appreciate where you are. Traister traces the rise of singledom and offers some satisfactory explanations for why women are choosing to remain single longer.

All the Single Ladies: Unmarried Women and the Rise of an Independent Nation

5. You Can Do It! (The Merit Badge Handbook for Grown-Up Girls), by Lauren Catuzzi Grandcolas

I found my first copy of this book when it was discounted to a dollar. Because it’s hard to go wrong at that price, I bought it. Then I went back and bought the rest of them and gave them out to my best female friends. True story.

You Can Do It!: The Merit Badge Handbook for Grown-Up Girls

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Have you read any books on this list? Are there any other must-read books for single women that I missed? Let me know in the comments below! While you’re at it, check out The American Spinster’s list of Top 5 Books for the Childfree Lifestyle.

If you’d like to receive more helpful resources for your single & childfree life, join the American Spinster mailing list:

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Top 5 Books on the Childfree Lifestyle

One of the greatest challenges childfree women and couples face is the feeling of isolation. While it’s true that the internet has helped us connect to other like-minded individuals, that support network could use some bolstering. If you’re looking for information or validation regarding the childfree lifestyle, you’re in luck. I’ve compiled a short list of the top five best books on the topic of being childfree.

Below are five books that will:

show you how older, childfree people feel
validate your feelings and beliefs about children/childfree life
assure you that you’re not selfish
expose common parental regrets
did deep into the ideology and idolization of motherhood

Ready? The let’s dive in.

5. Kid Me Not: An anthology of childfree women of the 60s now in their 60s.

The self-righteous warning of, “You’ll regret it when you’re older” falls flat next to this collection of childfree women who are still happily childfree. If you’re not sure about having children, this respectful anthology will give you a peak at the seldom looked-at lives of older women without children.

Learn more about Kid Me Not here.

4. The Mommy Myth: The Idealization of Motherhood and How It Has Undermined All Women

The “Mommy Myth” is just as false, oversold, and harmful as the “Angel in the House” was to Victorian women. Yet modern Westerners are still eagerly seduced by it. Douglas and Michaels deconstruct this set of beliefs and present it plainly for what it is: a harmful, unrealistic ideal that harms mothers as much as the childfree.

Learn more about The Mommy Myth here.

3. Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed: Sixteen Writers on the Decision Not to Have Kids.

As the tongue-in-cheek title suggests, this collection of essays from various writers is a deeply personal, very self-aware exploration of the decision to remain childfree. If you’re looking for an intimate one-on-one meeting with a childfree mentor, this book is for you.

(Above is an excerpt from the book read by Blair of the Respectfully Childfree YouTube channel.)

Learn more about Selfish, Shallow, and Self-Absorbed here.

2. Confessions of a Childfree Woman

60 Minutes dealt a severe blow to the childfree by choice movement, as well as Marcia Drut-Davis’ personal life after her edited interview aired. Despite being reviled for the audacious decision to not have children (she even received death threats after the broadcast), Drut-Davis refused to be bullied. This is the story of her life and how it has been shaped both by her decision and by her appearance in that fateful interview.

Learn more about Confessions of a Childfree Woman here.

1. The Baby Matrix

The Baby Matrix presents the idea that women are designed to be mothers as nothing more than human-constructed ideology. Just as Neo learns to see the matrix for what it really is, so the reader learns to see how the ideological wool has been pulled over our eyes for so long.

Learn more about The Baby Matrix here.

Have you read any of these books already? Are there any other books on the childfree lifestyle you wish I’d included on this list? Let me know in the comments below!

If you’d like to receive more helpful resources for your single & childfree life, join the American Spinster mailing list:

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30 Days to Love Being Single

Make 2018 the year you love being single.

One of the new products I said I’d be releasing in 2018 is my free email challenge: 30 Days to Love Being Single.

What is it?

This email course is a series of 30 emails (a new one is sent to your inbox each day after signing up) that will challenge you to grow as a single woman. Each email prompts you to take specific actions that will help you learn to love all that your solo life has to offer.

How Can I Be “Happy” About Being Alone?

Being single isn’t a waiting period. It’s a part of your life that you should be enjoying! Unfortunately, in the pro-coupling world we live in, that can be pretty difficult. How are you supposed to love being single when everyone around you is either pitying you or trying to set you up? How do you enjoy something that every sitcom and movie says is a problem to be overcome?

This free, 30-day course explains it all.

Why a 30 day course?

As the old saying goes, 30 days makes a habit. This course is designed to make enjoying your single life a habit – something you do every day without thinking. One new habit, one shift in thinking, one positive outlook you express each day, can truly change your life.

Why should I sign up?

Quite simply, you have nothing to lose and a happier life to gain. This email challenge is 100% FREE! That’s 30 days of free resources tailored to your situation. So if you’re single and not very happy about it, sign up now.

Have you tried the challenge? What do you think so far? Let me know what you love and what didn’t work for you in the comments below.

Enjoying Valentine’s Day as a Single Woman

Tired of reading self-mocking posts about how to best show your single-based, alcohol-drenched misery in the trendiest way? Interested in learning how you can actually enjoy Valentine’s day as a single woman? Read on…

1. Don’t Be S.A.D.

I’m still not entirely sure whether “Single’s Awareness Day” is a full joke or only a partial joke. Either way, its humor is self-effacing. Which is fine, sometimes. But listen. Being single isn’t an illness or disability, and it’s nothing to be S.A.D about. So ditch any invitations that include that lonesome title. Positive mindset, you know?

2. Take a Close Look at Valentine’s Day

I’ve honestly never liked this holiday, no matter what my relationship status was. It’s gaudy, tacky, and all that hot pink is kind of garish. The gifts are contrived, the expectations artificial, and as a result, the actions are pretty meaningless. True, some couples make a serious effort to inject some meaning into the greeting card holiday. But just ask yourself… what are you really missing out on from this particular holiday?

3. Make Plans

The most important thing you need to do is make some plans for February 14th. No matter what those plans are, know ahead of time what you’re doing. Having a few up-in-the-air ideas isn’t going to cut it; you’ll find you’re just not in the mood and end up slouched in front of the computer doing nothing in particular.

Whether you go out, stay in, hang with friends, or fly solo – make sure you’ve got a plan.

4. Record Your Thoughts

Part of why we don’t like going out alone is because we have no one to talk to. It feels lonely to get excited, have a revelation, or make an observation then have no way to share it. So this Valentine’s day, pick a way to share your thoughts.

If You’re Going Out: Let’s say you’re taking a trip to the aquarium. Record your self-guided tour and post the video on Youtube.

If You’re Staying In: Watching a movie? Write up a review, or use an app like Stardust to share your reactions.

There are plenty of people who want to hear your opinions, ideas, and responses to your experiences; the fact that they’re not physically present is no reason to deny them.

5. Forget the Heart-Shaped Box

Get yourself a treat, but don’t fall back on buying yourself chocolates in a heart-shaped box. Treat yourself to your favorite type of candy instead. Has it been years since you’ve had some Swedish Fish? Have you always loved candy dots? Instead of taking part in the empty Valentine’s ritual, give yourself something that will make you happy.

6. Don’t Fake It

If you aren’t happy about being single, don’t pretend you are. It’s okay to miss being in a relationship. What’s not okay is using your single status as an excuse to waste a perfectly good night rolling around in piles of your own self-pity. Because here’s a tip: if you can’t enjoy your own company, you’ll never be much good in a relationship.

So drop the bravado, drop the sad self-indulgence, and just enjoy the night.

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Is It Selfish to Have Kids?

One of the most common remarks on the childfree lifestyle is that it’s selfish. How is it selfish to not have a child one doesn’t want or can’t afford? Search me. Though we’ve tackled that question in the past, today I’m asking: Is it selfish to have kids?

It’s certainly true that some parents have children for incredibly selfish reasons. While I don’t have any large-scale statistics, I can say that when I ask a parent why they had children, nearly every single one replies with one of two answers:

“I just wanted to have kids.”
“I wanted to be a mom.”

But does that mean that it’s necessarily selfish to have kids?

When Having Kids is Definitely Selfish

First let me say that I know that people find themselves pregnant in less-than-ideal circumstances, and that the decision to have an unplanned child is deeply personal. Additionally, the decision to continue a pregnancy one didn’t anticipate isn’t quite the same as choosing to become pregnant in the first place.

Having said that, willfully deciding to have a baby when there is currently no baby or developing baby in the picture, and when one cannot provide (emotionally, financially, or physically) is going to be a selfish decision in most cases.

What are the factors the unselfish person considers when planning to conceive?

Financial Resources

There are a lot of strong feelings on this topic, and for good reason. Like it or not, we live in an economically unfair society, and it’s deeply unjust for anyone to say, “poor people need to not have babies they can’t afford” when one’s entire childbearing years might be spent in the low-income brackets. It may well take we Millennials a couple of decades (into our forties) to make it to the point when we can financially afford children. And why should we have to put off having children to the time where it’s no longer a biologically viable option?

That line of thinking gets uncomfortably close to the eugenics-based belief of breeding economically disadvantaged people or groups out of the gene pool. And no one, least of all me, wants that. But here’s the thing: recklessly having babies does absolutely nothing to fix this unfair system. And, not to beat a dead horse, but having children will not improve your finances.

At the end of the day, despite how very nuanced this topic is, having children you can’t afford is selfish. It’s putting your desires before the well-being of another.

Emotional Availability

This one doesn’t seem to discriminate based on one’s bank account or social class. If you have a child as the ‘default’ option in your life, rather than something you’ve weighed seriously and put conscious thought into, you’re not making the effort needed to be emotionally available to your child.

Kids take a lot of emotional strength, stability, and endurance. Enforcing boundaries and maintaining consistency requires a committed and compassionate mindset. If you have a child without doing anything to prepare yourself for that kind of emotional marathon, that’s selfish too. It’s saying that your emotional needs (feeling loved and needed by a baby) are more important that your child’s emotional needs.

Time Availability

Good parenting requires time and self-discipline in time management. Do you have the time to devote to implementing a routine? Do you have time to actually interact with and get to know your kids? Children learn, grow, and change at a much more rapid rate than most adults. This requires taking time to understand who your child is and what their point of view is. If you don’t have that, you won’t have a clue why they’re acting the way they do. And that just leads to frustration, anger, and disappointment.

Once again, if you know you won’t have the ability (or are not willing to make the sacrifices needed) to give your child the time they need, it’s selfish to have one anyway. Again, it’s putting your desires before the needs of another.

**When Having Kids Might Be Selfish**

Okay. So what if you can afford to give a child a decent life, see yourself as being emotionally available to them, and have actually put the effort into learning about being a good parent? What if you’re the type of would-be parent who has carefully considered the details of how you’ll raise your child and made a plan ahead of time with your partner? Is it selfish to have children then?

The short answer is, well, maybe.

The longer answer is that while you may not be putting your own wants above the needs of your future child, you may still be putting your own wants above the needs of others. And those are people who already exist, not a person who hasn’t yet been created.

There are two main factors to consider.

Overpopulation

There’s simply no denying the fact that we live on an overpopulated planet. Is it selfish to create a new person when millions are starving, and hundreds of millions ₁₂ of children are unwanted? Well, that leads directly into the next factor…

Biological Arrogance and Exclusivity

And finally, there’s the issue of biological conceit. This conceit says, “my genes (or my partner’s genes) are so much more valuable to me than any others on the planet that I’m going to create a new person at the expense of all the parentless children throughout the globe.” It’s closely related to the belief that one’s genes are genuinely better than those of children with “issues” in foster care. And let me state this plainly: if you believe that adopting a child with “problems” is more than you’re up for, you probably aren’t up for the challenge of raising a bio kid either (see above).

Is your desire to see your partner’s features in your child really more important the the needs of an existing child? If so, it’s possible that you’re acting out of selfishness.

So Is It Ever NOT Selfish to Have Kids?

I don’t want to end this article with the idea that becoming a parent is innately selfish, because I truly don’t believe it is. And I don’t think that most people who have children for selfish reason do so consciously. In my experience talking to parents, the main reason that people have children for selfish reasons (and are often disappointed as a result) is that they never paused to think critically about having children before they did it.

The point of this post isn’t to bash parents or say that parents are horrible, selfish creatures. It’s to encourage everyone reading to give the decision to have children the serious consideration it deserves. If you were considering spending the next 20 years of your life in a convent, devoted entirely to serving God, and paying some $230,000 to do so, wouldn’t you give it a few weeks of serious thought first? Why, then, don’t we give the decision to have kids that same level of self-reflection?

What Does the Unselfish Parent Look Like?

Before I close, I do want to include a very thoughtful answer to the “why do you want kids” question given to me by a friend.

My family has dwindled. I want to add more members to my family; more people to share things with in my circle. I’d also like the opportunity to “pass the baton” to someone. Like, I want to see the world become a better place, and I feel like I’d be leaving “unfinished business” if I just died and didn’t have someone that I passed the “make-the-world-a-better-place-ness” on to. Keep in mind I do not require this/these added family member/s to be grown in my body, though I’m not against that.

So is it selfish to have kids? No, not necessarily. Can it be? Yes, definitely. As is the case with most acts, it’s one’s intentions, forethought, and preparation that determine whether something is greedy or giving in nature. So decide what’s best for you, but please, consider these things before making that life-changing, and (in the case of bio babies) life-creating decision.