How to have a meaningful life without kids – Part 4/5 – Help the vulnerable

How can you create a meaningful life without kids? Help others.

So far in this series, we’ve looked at some specific ways you can create a meaningful life without raising children. In this article I’m going to focus on developing a mindset that will ensure you have a fulfilling life whether or not you have kids.

Helping the Vulnerable

When you set out to create your own business, find the right volunteer opportunity, or start on your career, it’s your motivations (more than your precise actions) that will lead to a fulfilling or unfulfilling life. Your specific line of work or lifestyle choices don’t matter; if your intentions are short-sighted and selfish, your life will likely end up shallow and bitter. Whereas if your intentions are genuinely to contribute to the world in a positive way, you’ll be more likely to end up feeling fulfilled.

In essence, finding meaning in life means finding meaning in something outside of yourself. This doesn’t mean becoming a martyr or neglecting your well-being. It means being truly aware of how connected we all are, and that loving your neighbor is loving yourself.

The Human History of Helping

This idea of finding meaning by helping others is ancient. We evolved as highly social beings, in groups where helping one another was necessary for survival. However, it quickly moved beyond what was necessary. For instance, some of the earliest remains of our human ancestors show that they cared for the injured and elderly. Some cases show evidence of debilitating injuries which would require months of rest. Yet the other tribe members cared for this non-contributing member no matter how long it took them to recover.

Later on, Aristotle philosophized that one finds real friendship in loving, rather than being loved. He remarks that a mother loves her child without seeking love in return. This is the essence of having meaning in one’s life. To love, to give, and to help for the sake of those things.

Where Kids Come In

Truthfully, I think this is the reason that a lot of people have kids. How often have you heard something like, “When I had my daughter, it all came together. I realized there was so much more to life than just my life”? Or, “You don’t understand love until you start living for someone else”? And though Aristotle’s ideal of a mother’s love is a strong example, you don’t need to create a new human to devote your life to the service of others. There are plenty of people who already exist who need help right now.

Who are “the vulnerable?”

Our world is filled with people who are:

• susceptible to injury
• have undergone financial or emotional hardship
• at a higher risk for misfortune

People (human and non-human) who have little to no control over their lives are also vulnerable, as their well-being depends on the will of another. These include children, animals, and people who are institutionalized (in prison, mental health facilities, or senior citizen homes). However, they can also be people living in your town who are (through economic and other factors) at higher risk for lower quality of life.

How do I help them?

When offering aid, it’s important to do so without coming across as patronizing. You should always offer assistance in a spirit of humility, drawn from the realization that if only a few things in your life had been different, you could be the one in need of help. Remember, it’s all about intention.

That being said, there are numerous ways to offer your service to those who need it.

Volunteer Your Time:

• Animals

Animals, especially farm animals and pets, are legally property. And though we have laws in place to protect them from abuse, they are still often seen as and treated like commodities. Yet animals likely have as great a capacity to suffer as humans do. But unlike many human beings, animals cannot advocate for themselves. That’s where we come in.

If you’re looking for a good starting point to begin to volunteer with/for animals, Animal Charity Evaluators is a great resource that examines the effectiveness of various types of charities and volunteer efforts designed to help animals.

• Children

Childfree people don’t necessarily dislike children. In fact one of the reasons some people choose to be childfree is because they can empathize with children. It’s easy for a frustrated parent to forget the ways they felt and thought as a child, but the cool childfree aunt remembers.

Some of us choose to be childfree because we appreciate just how difficult being a good parent is, and we aren’t willing to do a poor job at it just for the ‘experience’ of becoming a mother. Others see bringing yet another a child into a world crowded with children whose needs are unmet as irresponsible.

If you care about kids, you can do good by helping the vulnerable children who are already here. To get started, visit Great Nonprofits’ page for at-risk youth to learn about opportunities in your area: http://greatnonprofits.org/categories/view/children-and-youth

• Elderly

Even more neglected than children are the elderly. Some underserved older adults are neglected by their grown kids. Some have no family left. Either way, this demographic is perhaps the easiest to ignore.

Create the Good has an excellent guide on volunteering to help the elderly here: http://createthegood.org/campaign/volunteeringwithseniors

Involve Your Business:

Whether you work for a large company or have your own small business, you can still involve your workplace. Charity Navigator has written an article with some great advice about giving through your workplace: http://www.charitynavigator.org/index.cfm/bay/content.view/cpid/159

If there’s a particular cause you’d like to aid, ask your workplace to consider contributing.

In The End…

You don’t need to have kids to learn to truly care about someone besides yourself. Instead of creating a mini-me to love, why not focus on people who are already here? Fostering a spirit of generosity directed toward the most vulnerable members of society is one of the best ways to create a truly meaningful life without kids.

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How to have a meaningful life without kids – Part 3/5 – Learn and Teach

One of the most fulfilling ways to live is to continue your education every day of your life, and pass what you know onto others. Education is what helps us grow as human beings, to continue our spiritual, mental, and emotional evolution. So if you’re wondering what the key to living a meaningful life is, this is it.

Learning

Part of being a single and/or childfree person is being able to develop yourself to your own fullest potential. Often parents set aside their own education to focus their energy on helping their children get the most out of theirs, but as a childfree person there’s no reason to stop learning. Many colleges (including prestigious universities like Harvard) offer full online courses for free. You can do that in your spare time with no financial commitment.

You can also use a continuing education to improve your career. A number of the colleges and universities I mentioned above offer the option of receiving a certificate upon completion of the course (usually for a small mailing fee). Or you can simply take classes at your accredited community college. Even if a course isn’t directly related to your field, proof of a continuing education looks fantastic on your resume.

But learning doesn’t have to be academic. If there’s a new skill you’ve been wanting to add to your arsenal, go out and learn it. It doesn’t even need to be practical. Are you an adult who’s always wanted to learn ballet? Go find a class. The important thing is to keep your mind (and body) learning new things.

Teaching

Teaching others not only helps you solidify what you know, it’s also a rewarding experience. By sharing your knowledge with others (either by writing an eBook, a tutorial, or in a more formal situation), you can help enrich someone else’s life and, in a small way, contribute to the education level of humanity. Helping to guide someone from ignorance to enlightenment is one of the most fulfilling ways to live your life.

Take Action

If you have the time and the financial ability, take a class at the community college every semester. If not, take advantage of the hundreds of legit, free online courses from major universities.

http://betteryourselfonline.com/free-online-courses/ This is an amazing resource listing over 1100 completely free online courses.

http://www.udemy.com Udemy is a great way to learn new skills, but it’s also a way to share them with others. Create your own course to share what you know with students from all across the world.

If you’re looking for something less formal, try creating a youtube tutorial about something you know.

Looking for something more formal and long-term? Look up local places teaching what you’re skilled in and find out what their requirements are to become an instructor. Many disciplines require some type of mandatory training or knowledge test, but don’t let this intimidate you. Get the certification you need and become an official teacher of what you love.

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Next up is Part 4/5 – Help the Vulnerable

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Part 2/5 in the Meaningful Life series

Want a meaningful life without kids? Volunteer.

 For those looking to build a fulfilling life without kids, volunteering your time is vital. If volunteering doesn’t sound like your thing, remember that there’s more to it than soup kitchens and dog walking (both of which are incredibly helpful, by the way). Trust me when I say there’s a rewarding volunteer opportunity out there for you.

When you volunteer, you:

• Connect to your community (local or interest-based)
• Help to build a relationship, program, or tangible item/area
• Take pride in your work

These three things are vital in creating any type of worthwhile life, including a life without kids.

How I Became a Volunteering Believer

My high school experiences with volunteering were disappointing. My classmates and I would all carpool over to someplace, do a minimal amount of work (such as sealing a stack of envelopes), and then go back to school. It seemed like a highly inefficient process to me, and led me to believe that volunteering was just a way for people to feel like they were doing good without getting much accomplished.

However, when I began taking college classes, I had a completely different experience. The lab portion of a GenEd biology course took place at the local park/wildlife preserve. Our goal was to create a set of retention ponds in an area of Florida experiencing rapid expansion. The ponds would provide a new, safe ecosystem for animals. It sounded dull… but it was incredible.

My class of 20 or so students visited the newly-dug retention ponds on a weekly basis: Some of the work we did included:

• Taking water samples
• Donning rubber coveralls to wade into the pond and plant duckweed
• Teaching middle school students about conservation

I was tanned, sore, tired, and smelled like pond water at the end of each day. And it was amazing. Afterward, every time I drove past the park, I felt a sense of pride, because I’d actually done legit work to create those ponds.

I realize now that as a high schooler, my volunteer experiences were meant to introduce me to the idea of volunteering in a way that didn’t require my parents to sign a liability waiver. As an adult, I can now do work that has a real, positive impact on those around me.

How to Start Volunteering

So what can you do? Volunteer in your community or in front of your computer in one of these three ways.

1. Find or start a community project

Create the Good has a library of resources about starting your own volunteering efforts. You can clean a river or for something less intense and more long-term, start a community garden.

2. Start your own independent volunteer project

Singer, songwriter, and activist Zoe Boekbinder (incidentally a single, childfree woman) started the Prison Music Project. The project connects prisoners to music, helping lower recidivism and improve conditions. One woman started this project. You could do just as much.

3. Do what you can, when you can

If you’d like to leave the house but not have to fill out any forms or commit to being anywhere at a certain time, you can improve your community by simply picking up litter. Get a pair of gloves, a trash bag, and go. Your community will probably never thank you for it, but you’re doing this for personal fulfillment, not praise.

You can also do small works wherever you are through resources like helpfromhome.org.

How Are You Volunteering?

There are so many ways to turn what you love into something that contributes to the community. Helping others is one way you can create meaning in your life without kids.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ybuFSBl843E

How are you volunteering your time? Let the childfree community know by sharing your experience in the comments below.

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Next up in the series: Part 3/5 – Learn and Teach.

All images are provided by Kaboompics.

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Part 1/5: Why you don’t need kids to be fulfilled.

The Myth: “Your life just doesn’t have meaning until you have kids.”

One of the many warnings matronly women like to give childfree women and couples is that their lives will be shallow without children. Sure, you can do whatever you want now, but all the glitz of travel and caviar will wear off one day, and then you’ll be alone. Alone with no real meaning in your life, because you spent your youth focusing on yourself (and/or your spouse) instead of something greater.

This has a sobering ring to it, but it’s hardly a criticism exclusive to (or necessarily of) childfree women. I’m sure we can all think of people who had children and still find themselves alone in their old age when their children have gone on to have children of their own.

The idea that only children can give a woman’s life a deeper, lasting meaning implies that most childfree women are too self-absorbed to have any greater purpose in life than their own gratification. That’s to say nothing of the fact that children don’t exist just to provide meaning to an adult’s life. They’re individuals in their own right, who shouldn’t be treated as a means to an end (the end being the fulfilling life and happy retirement).

The Reality

Women are realizing more and more that the idea that was broadcast to the Victorian woman and which persisted until the late 20^th century is wrong. The idea that the only way for a woman to feel fulfilled and receive lasting love was to have a child.

Not only are there other ways to obtain love and fulfillment, but the belief that children = happiness has led to generations of unfulfilled and dissatisfied mothers feeling like they got a raw deal. Their children grow up and – of all the nerve – have lives of their own. At the end of her life, she’s left alone, and shifts her desire for love to the hope of grandchildren.

Yes, maybe I’m painting an overly dark picture. After all, most people move onto other things in their later years, like volunteer work. Once they get over the sadness of an empty nest, many women find a job, or if they have a career already, move into community service after they retire. A woman who raises children can still find fulfillment after her children have grown up and moved away.

Which of course begs the question, is doing good in the world just a poor substitute for the love of a child? Or does it just take most people that long to realize that they can get true, lasting happiness in other ways?

Children are not the only means to a meaningful life. There are many ways for childfree women to contribute to society, improve the world in which we live, and find genuine satisfaction.

This week and next, I’m going to look at several ways to lead a fulfilling life without having kids. Coming up next: Part 2/5 – Volunteering Like You Mean It.

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“Maybe you just don’t realize you want children.”

If you’re a childfree woman, you’ve almost certainly been told that having children is normal. That you’ll regret it if you don’t. That you secretly want children deep, deep down inside.

If you’re beginning to feel like it might not be so bad to give in to the pressure and have a kid, stop. Before you make any irreversible decisions, consider the following.

Maternal instinct isn’t universal.

In an interview on NPR, childfree author Ann Patchett shares what it feels like when friends, family, and strangers tell her she wants a baby, but just doesn’t know it yet.

It would be like if somebody said, “Your car keys are in the drawer.”

And you go and you open the drawer, and not only are your car keys not in the drawer, there’s nothing in the drawer. The drawer is empty.

And you come back and you say, “The keys aren’t in the drawer.”

And they say, “No, go back and look again. They are in the drawer.”

And you go back and you open the drawer and it is empty. And that’s how I always felt. Like people were always saying to me, “Go back and look again. Examine the inner contents of your heart, you will find it.”

And I never did.

Fortunately, Patchett’s self awareness exceeded her self-doubt, and she didn’t give in to the insistence of others. Whether your mom friends understand or not, the truth is for some women that desire really and truly isn’t there.

If you don’t want them now, you likely won’t regret it later.

If you can convince someone that you really don’t want children, the next thing they’ll probably say is “You’ll regret not having them when you’re older.” But let’s look at this. For me personally, there’s never been an instance in which I had no desire for something only to regret not having it later.

To be clear, I’ve wanted things that I’ve talked myself out of.  Sometimes I’ve wanted things that I was unable to have. And occasionally I’ve wanted something but been unwilling to admit it. But I have never been wholly indifferent to or repelled by some Thing and later found myself longing for it. Most often, this regret in later life is due to placing your hope for happiness in someone other than yourself.

Having children isn’t the default.

Finally there’s the idea that having a baby is just something a woman should do. I fervently disagree. No one should have a baby unless they deeply want one. Having a child you don’t really want (even if you plan to love and care for as though you did) is like switching the career you like for one that you don’t enjoy because other people tell you to. They say that you’ll like it once you have it, and you’ll regret it if you don’t switch now. Imagine the following exchange:

Person 1: “But I don’t want to be a marine biologists. I don’t really have a passion for sea life at all. I’m pretty indifferent to it.”

Person 2: “Listen, your window of opportunity is closing. If you don’t quit your job, go back to school, and start this new career now, you’ll regret it later. And besides, you’ll love marine life once it’s in your care.”

You would think the second person is crazy, and that the first person is even crazier if she takes this advice.

Devoting the next 18+ years of your physical and emotional life to something you don’t actually desire, but worry you may regret not having later on, is (I’m sorry) very foolish.

To use Ann Patchett’s analogy, the keys aren’t going to suddenly materialize in the drawer just because someone else expects them to. Even if you are persuaded to believe that they’re actually there, and open the drawer (for the hundredth time), this time fully expecting them to be there, they still won’t be there.

What it all boils down to is…

Creating a new human being and raising it isn’t like buying a blouse that you’re not sure about. You can’t just send it to the thrift store a year later when you realize you only bought it because your friend swore you’d look great in it.

In fact, it’s not even like buying a house. “It’s an investment!” people tell you. “You’ll save so much money in the long run, you should buy one now.” If you buy a house when you don’t want one (or really can’t afford one), the very worst scenario is that it goes into foreclosure and you file for bankruptcy.

And if that sounds like a pretty bad worst case scenario, pause for a moment and consider what you’ll feel like  when you realize you’ve spent two-hundred and forty-five thousand dollars on something that, though it’s nice, you never really wanted.

The financial and emotional costs are worthwhile if it’s for something you genuinely, deeply desire. But if it’s for something that someone else tells you you might regret later? That there is just a bad decision, any way you look at it.

When it comes to creating a new human, the rationale “People are telling me I should. How bad could it be?” is not a smart approach. If you don’t want children, for the sake of yourself and your unborn, hypothetical offspring, don’t be bullied into it. Your friends may never understand, but they don’t have to live your life.

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