A little public service announcement regarding mental health, courtesy of the American Spinster.
Author: Lilli Blackmore
The Seedless Grape
You Don’t Need What You’re Waiting For
If there’s one great secret wonder of being a spinster, it’s this:
You can do whatever you want, whenever you want. And I’m not just talking about sex on the kitchen floor.
Most of my friends talk about what they would do if they had a child, or if they had a girl, or if they had a game room, of if they had a wedding. You know how it goes.
“Oh! If I had a little girl, I could buy her that.”
“When I get pregnant, I have so many ideas for a nursery.”
“My dream wedding board has 300 pins… one day I’ll be able to make them all happen.”
Ladies (and gentlemen), you can wait if you want to, but you don’t have to. That’s right, folks. Open up that Pinterest board and get to work.
How Is That Supposed to Work?
What’s that? But you have no baby or soon-to-be husband? My dear friend, you’ve bought into one of the silliest myths of our human culture. Here is the truth:
You don’t need the excuses you’ve been waiting for. You have been laboring under the delusion that you need to
- find the right husband/partner/sperm donor
- give birth
- donate the next 18-26 years of your life to feeding, clothing, and raising another human being
just to decorate the spare bedroom in a Where The Wild Things Are theme. These beliefs are false, and the truth shall surely set you free.
Go. Go and re-make your bedroom in a Where The Wild Things Are theme. I know you saw that nursery online and thought it was the coolest thing ever. I give you permission to give that bedroom to yourself. You deserve it. If it’s the bedroom you wish you’d had as a kid, give it to yourself now. Because here’s another secret truth: Your one-day kid might not love what you love. And you can only force them to wear the clothes you pick out and sleep in the room you designed for so long. Murphy’s law clearly states that any woman who spends years longing for a baby girl so she can buy her pretty dresses, will undoubtedly give birth to a tom boy who would rather have her teeth cleaned than put on a skirt. So just give what you love to yourself. You are allowed.
No, Seriously. How Is This Really Going to Work?
But what about my dream wedding? you say. Are you telling me to rent a venue, buy a gown, do the decorations, invitations, and walk down the aisle by myself?
Not exactly, but close. I know how it is. You love that Enchanted Forest wedding theme. There are so many great ideas you have for it. The decor, the food, the lighting It’s going to be amazing.
But here are a few things to consider.
- Most women say they remember very little about their wedding day.
- You are going to be so stressed out that day.
- Oh, and you aren’t getting married any time soon.
Abandon your visions of dancing through the day with your heart full of love, surrounded by your dearest friends, saying your loving goodbyes to girlhood and joyfully stepping into holy matrimony. The reality? Your maid of honor bought brandy sniffers instead of champagne flutes, and for no explicable reason you’re cramping, and even though you thought it would be sweet that your bff has to help you pee due to your wedding dress, it’s really just awkward and annoying. None of this would really be that bad except that it’s your wedding day, and you’ve waited years, and you only get one, so everything really needs to go absolutely perfectly.
Want to take the pressure off? Have a birthday party.
Are You Really Serious?
I am as serious as a Sunday morning sermon. You’re a grown up! You can finally plan your own birthday parties (or any parties). Pop that Enchanted Forest theme onto your birthday and actually enjoy it. There is no rule that states adult birthday parties have to be boring and alcohol-saturated.
And there’s no need to settle on just one. Do something different every year. Your guests will have much more fun, and you can still get presents. Heck, give yourself a gift registry at Kohl’s.
Spinsters, you can do this. Buy yourself pretty dresses, and wear them wherever the hell you want. Or, if you don’t like the attention of wearing a frilly dress to Home Depot, go have Tea in a fancy restaurant.
Let go of your excuses, and don’t pin your dreams on someone else. It’s not fair to them or you.
Stop waiting. Just go out and enjoy.
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Why You’re Not Selfish For Not Having Kids
Are childfree people selfish? This belief seems to be widely accepted, even though there’s not much evidence for it. The idea that not having kids makes you a bad person is harmful, and not just to childfree people. I believe it could sway people who don’t truly want kids to have them, and that doesn’t help anyone.
Childfree Myth #1: Not having children is selfish, so having children is unselfish.
The idea that parents are unselfish simply because they have kids is pretty nonsensical. Some parents are genuinely selfless people, but popping out or adopting a baby doesn’t make them so.
If we look at this realistically, people sometimes have very selfish reasons for having children. Reasons like, “I want to be a mom,” or “I just love kids,” are fine and good, if you can—and do—take care of your children. You might say the selfishness of having kids for your own sake is cancelled out by the selflessness of actually providing for them. Then of course there are the more obviously selfish reasons, such as “It’ll help my marriage,” or, of course, “He’ll marry me/stop cheating on me if I get pregnant.” I don’t think I need to elaborate on why these are terrible reasons to have children.
Having children doesn’t make someone a good or selfless person, so choosing not to have kids doesn’t automatically make someone selfish.
Childfree Myth #2: Childfree people are selfish for acknowledging their limits.
Once, in my church-going days, I listened to a pastor’s sermon on birth control. At the end of his sermon, during which he noted that that children are sometimes a blessing (Proverbs 17:6) and sometimes not (Luke 23:29), he said “It’s alright to use contraceptives, as long as you don’t do so for selfish reasons.”
It’s a reasonable statement, but his idea of “selfish reasons” is not my own.
If someone doesn’t want the “bother” of having a child, that’s exactly the sort of person who shouldn’t have a child. That’s not selfishness, that’s responsibility. It’s important for young couples to see that having a child isn’t all about attention, cute clothes, and sweet-smelling baby. We should applaud people who realize that being a parent is a vocation, a full-time, lifetime, till-death-do-us-part commitment, and can acknowledge that they’re not up for that challenge.
Praise the childfree people who choose not to have kids at least as much as you condemn neglectful parents.
Childfree Myth #3: Childfree people are selfish for spending their money on themselves
I’ll be the first one to say that it’s important to spend money responsibly and consider the needs of others, both within one’s own community and outside of it. I think a lot of Americans over-consume. But I also think we should be avoid the allure of martyrdom whenever possible.
Clearly, if a parent regularly leaves their child to go clubbing, globe-trotting, or vacationing, they’re probably exhibiting selfish behavior. Likewise, it’s selfish for a parent to buy new clothes and electronics without providing for the needs of their child. But that doesn’t mean that parents don’t deserve to have fun or nice things. The financial strain that comes from having children can require parents to go without, but it shouldn’t.
For childfree people, going clubbing and globe-trotting is not selfish. I’m not saying it’s wrong to criticize over-consumption and reckless spending. I’m simply saying you can’t neglect a child you don’t have.
So, if you’ve been worried that choosing not to have kids makes you selfish, you can relax. Choosing the childfree lifestyle is often a responsible decision. If you’d like to learn more about how you can create a fulfilling life as a childfree person, including giving back to your community, check out my series on How to Have a Meaningful Life Without Kids.
How To Be The Cool Aunt
Who is the cool aunt?
Lots of families have one. You may have had one growing up. That one, childless aunt who always gave the best presents. The one who, in contrast to all the other grown ups, paid attention to what you were saying and listened to your side in a dispute. The one whose life you wanted to have when you got big.
This is the cool aunt, and now that you’re grown and childfree, that can be you. How? It’s actually pretty easy.
Step 1: Pay attention.
This is the most important step in being The Cool Aunt. It means you know what your nieces/nephews are interested in and what’s going on in their lives. Parents tend to have, for better or worse, pretty fixed ideas regarding their child’s likes and dislikes, as well as the motives for their actions. You, on the other hand, claim no control over your niece/nephew, and no responsibility, so you can listen without ego or bias.
Step 2: Apply the resulting knowledge toward gift-giving.
What makes the cool aunt’s gifts so cool isn’t the amount of money she spends. It’s about how well she knows her niece or nephew. Don’t try to compete with their parent for greatest number of gifts, and don’t buy them that expensive electronic device they’ve been dropping hints about. That’s in the parent/grandparent sphere.
Instead, look for something unusual that caters to their interests. Maybe your niece has a peculiar interest in furniture. Buy her an interior design drawing book. Or your little cousin has a real fascination with the planets. Buy him the original Cosmos series on DVD.
Why we all need a cool aunt.
This is what makes you the cool aunt. You know and encourage your young family members’ interests. Even the interests that seem strange for a child, and especially the ones their parent dismiss as silly. Because you aren’t their mom, you haven’t fallen into the habit of assuming you know them. You can still see things from their point of view. To a child in a world of busy and bothered adults, your interest in them is priceless.
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