“Dear Mom and Dad, I’m not having kids.”
I live in a pro-birth family. Like many Boomers, my parents grew up with a lot of siblings. As a result, I grew up with a lot of cousins. There are seven of us in total (all of us now in or approaching our 30s). Of these seven, six of us are either childless or childfree.
This is becoming more common¹. Family trees that once had 5+ children every generation are suddenly seeing just a few new shoots. And for the older generation, that’s hard to understand. Grandparents, parents, aunts and uncles seem continually puzzled by the lack of baby-making from the younger generation.
Their response can be to pressure we young adults to have kids. And for the childfree, that can feel uncomfortable. This pressure is even greater when the so-called ‘responsibility’ of having children falls to just one person. At least in my case, I have five other cousins who are equally accountable for the lack of offspring. For childfree people from a small pro-birth family, all focus falls on them.
How to cope with being childfree in a pro-birth family
As I mentioned in How to Tell Your Parents You’re Childfree, it’s important to figure out why your pro-birth parents (or other relatives) want you to have children. Some of the common reasons I’ve found are:
- They have a vague feeling that being childfree is wrong.
- They think you aren’t having children because you don’t like your family.
- They’re afraid the family is going to be forgotten (think Disney-Pixar’s Coco).
- They want to see, hear, and play with babies.
- They believe it’s the only way you’ll be happy (and they really, truly want you to be happy).
Once you understand the reasons for their insistence, sadness, or confusion over your choice to be childfree, you can help them understand.
My advice for family gatherings isn’t to start a discussion about being childfree. That can get uncomfortable quickly, and it’s less likely to be effective than just slipping in some ideas here and there.
How to respond when they question you
When the dreaded topic of “When are you having kids,” or “Why don’t you have kids” does come up, remember that they’re not really asking that question. Your pro-birth family members are telling you that they’re uneasy with your childfree status.
Just remember, that’s okay. Yes, it’s kind of rude of them to ask, but while the question may be inappropriate, their feelings aren’t. It’s perfectly natural for them to wonder—and worry about—what’s going to happen to the family line.
Most of us grow up wanting to make our parents and relatives happy. When we get older, it can be tough to reconcile their wants with our individual autonomy. We want to please them, but we also know that it’s our choice to have or not have children. So what do you say?
Bearing in mind that they ask because they worry, not because they’re just rude for the sake of being rude, just smile and say, “Don’t worry, Aunt Judy, it’ll all be fine.” If they aren’t ready to hear more, there’s nothing else you can say.
And if they really want to know…
Sometimes relatives are genuinely interested in your reasons for not having kids. When that happens, have the talk with them:
The worst case scenario is that they aren’t ready to hear it, and they remain puzzled and worried. But if they’re interested and open-minded, you’ll set their mind at ease regarding your choice to stay childfree.
Have you been in this situation? How did you deal with it? Share your experience with the childfree community in the comments below.
