If there’s one great secret wonder of being a spinster, it’s this:
You can do whatever you want, whenever you want. And I’m not just talking about sex on the kitchen floor.
Most of my friends talk about what they would do if they had a child, or if they had a girl, or if they had a game room, of if they had a wedding. You know how it goes.
“Oh! If I had a little girl, I could buy her that.”
“When I get pregnant, I have so many ideas for a nursery.”
“My dream wedding board has 300 pins… one day I’ll be able to make them all happen.”
Ladies (and gentlemen), you can wait if you want to, but you don’t have to. That’s right, folks. Open up that Pinterest board and get to work.
How Is That Supposed to Work?
What’s that? But you have no baby or soon-to-be husband? My dear friend, you’ve bought into one of the silliest myths of our human culture. Here is the truth:
You don’t need the excuses you’ve been waiting for. You have been laboring under the delusion that you need to
- find the right husband/partner/sperm donor
- give birth
- donate the next 18-26 years of your life to feeding, clothing, and raising another human being
just to decorate the spare bedroom in a Where The Wild Things Are theme. These beliefs are false, and the truth shall surely set you free.
Go. Go and re-make your bedroom in a Where The Wild Things Are theme. I know you saw that nursery online and thought it was the coolest thing ever. I give you permission to give that bedroom to yourself. You deserve it. If it’s the bedroom you wish you’d had as a kid, give it to yourself now. Because here’s another secret truth: Your one-day kid might not love what you love. And you can only force them to wear the clothes you pick out and sleep in the room you designed for so long. Murphy’s law clearly states that any woman who spends years longing for a baby girl so she can buy her pretty dresses, will undoubtedly give birth to a tom boy who would rather have her teeth cleaned than put on a skirt. So just give what you love to yourself. You are allowed.
No, Seriously. How Is This Really Going to Work?
But what about my dream wedding? you say. Are you telling me to rent a venue, buy a gown, do the decorations, invitations, and walk down the aisle by myself?
Not exactly, but close. I know how it is. You love that Enchanted Forest wedding theme. There are so many great ideas you have for it. The decor, the food, the lighting It’s going to be amazing.
But here are a few things to consider.
- Most women say they remember very little about their wedding day.
- You are going to be so stressed out that day.
- Oh, and you aren’t getting married any time soon.
Abandon your visions of dancing through the day with your heart full of love, surrounded by your dearest friends, saying your loving goodbyes to girlhood and joyfully stepping into holy matrimony. The reality? Your maid of honor bought brandy sniffers instead of champagne flutes, and for no explicable reason you’re cramping, and even though you thought it would be sweet that your bff has to help you pee due to your wedding dress, it’s really just awkward and annoying. None of this would really be that bad except that it’s your wedding day, and you’ve waited years, and you only get one, so everything really needs to go absolutely perfectly.
Want to take the pressure off? Have a birthday party.
Are You Really Serious?
I am as serious as a Sunday morning sermon. You’re a grown up! You can finally plan your own birthday parties (or any parties). Pop that Enchanted Forest theme onto your birthday and actually enjoy it. There is no rule that states adult birthday parties have to be boring and alcohol-saturated.
And there’s no need to settle on just one. Do something different every year. Your guests will have much more fun, and you can still get presents. Heck, give yourself a gift registry at Kohl’s.
Spinsters, you can do this. Buy yourself pretty dresses, and wear them wherever the hell you want. Or, if you don’t like the attention of wearing a frilly dress to Home Depot, go have Tea in a fancy restaurant.
Let go of your excuses, and don’t pin your dreams on someone else. It’s not fair to them or you.
Stop waiting. Just go out and enjoy.
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